the good news is the wedding website is officially up and running. the slightly bad news is i tried condensing the hundreds of pictures into my own yahoo album, but it didn't work. therefore, if you want to see just how beautiful this wedding was, you'll have to take the time to scroll through all the pictures. but i'm telling you, it's worth it. i can't believe how wonderful they turned out. when you have some free time, take a look...

a list of some favorites:
pic #1
pic #2
pic #3
pic #4
pic #5
pic #6

laurie was sweet enough to send me some pictures from the wedding a few weeks ago. there will be many more where these came from, but for a preview, click here. i can't wait to see the other ones!

i had a dream last night that he kissed me and we got back together. it was so real, and when i woke up i was sick inside. it ruined my entire morning.

just got back from a night out in baltimore. we braved the snow, freezing rain, and slushy roads to see a free movie at the charles. the film was in america and i highly recommend it. the little irish girls in it are so adorable and precious, they practically steal every scene. ugh, it's just such a beautiful film...

there are 2 main things that are keeping me going right now: work and music.

i have been working a lot lately (this week is yet another 40 hr. week) and even though it's difficult to get out of bed, once i'm there, i'm glad. the people i work with have been really amazing. i always knew they were funny and spirited, but i didn't realize until this past week how kindhearted they are as well. i've received countless hugs and words of encouragement and everyone is doing their best to distract and entertain me. i find myself smiling at work a great deal now, mainly because these people don't treat me like just an employee. i have friends there who understand that i need cheering up and the great news is, their efforts are starting to pay off...

i have been hanging out with work friends a lot lately. this past weekend, a bunch of us went to a really cool pub in baltimore and had a crazy night. andrea and i have spent quite a bit of time together too; just last night she came over and we ordered chinese carry-out and watched movies. she took me shopping last week and we're hanging out again tonight with happy john downtown. the charles theatre is offering a free movie to the first 800 people who show up. we're going to try to hit up happy hour beforehand, which should be fun. any time spent with happy is always worthwhile in my opinion. he really lifts my spirits.

and my 23rd birthday is coming up. i haven't really been looking forward to it because i associate birthdays with celebrating and that's the last thing i want to do right now. but my mom has apparently already gone and made suprise plans for me and i've been told not to ask any questions. so atleast i know i'll be doing something. the starbuckians are also planning on taking me out, i just have to let them know where i want to go. it feels really good to be surrounded by people who care that i enjoy myself.

i've been soaking myself in fiona apple a lot lately. her music is so theraputic and emotionally charged that i feel like it's actually helping me heal. her entire album 'when the pawn...' is about a bad relationship and it's like she is singing what my heart is feeling. her songs are angry, sad, delicate, and inspiring all at once and they make me feel stronger. take for instance, 'love ridden':

Love ridden, I've looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I've wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when it's over,
So I can't tonight, baby
No, not "baby" anymore - if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave
My hand won't hold you down no more
The path is clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door
And now I'm giving up on you

or the song 'sleep to dream':

I tell you how I feel, but you don't care
I say tell me the truth but you don' t dare
You say love is a hell you cannot bear
And I say gimme mine back and then go there - for all I care
I got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds and you're not all what you seem
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I got my own hell to raise
I have never been so insulted in all my life
I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride
First you run like a fool just to be at my side
And now you run like a fool, but you just run to hide, and I don't abide...
Don't make it a big deal, don't be so sensitive
We're not playing a game anymore; you don't have to be so defensive
Don't you plead me your case, don't bother to explain
Don't even show me your face, 'cuz it's a crying shame
Just go back to the rock from under which you came
Take the sorrow you gave and all the stakes you claim --
and don't forget the blame...

so, i'm doing alright. i'm getting back on my feet again, slowly but surely. the only thing that i'm still unresolved about is the idea that someone has been ripped from my life and i don't know what he's thinking. i know i shouldn't care what's going through his head but in my quiet moments, i wonder. how could you not miss someone who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? and i'm both angry and glad that he hasn't contacted me. i wish he would so that i know i'm still important to him, but i wish he wouldn't because it will set me back. he really, really screwed up. bigtime.

so, my best friend john's '69 volkswagon beetle caught on fire yesterday and exploded. luckily, he was able to get out in time before the car started burning. he smelled a gas leak and pulled off the highway. thank god he wasn't hurt. the same can't be said about the beetle, though. it's interior is completely charred and ruined. it could easily take up to $6000 to fix it. john's a complete wreck over it because that little car was his most prized possession. it was his hobby, his passion, and his statement to the world of who he is. everyone at school knew when john had arrived; all it took was a look out the window to see his metallic purple antique sitting in the parking lot. i remember countless times riding in it with him and how other drivers' heads turned when we passed by. i, as well every other significant person in john's life, have had so many experiences in that car. i remember him taking me back to pick up my car at school one night and the gates to the campus being shut, leaving us with seemingly no way to get to the back lot. john didn't think twice before he drove his beetle over the curb and flew across the green night grass, making his own path and proving that paved ground wasn't necessary. i sat there, astounded that such a small, old car could handle this roughness and imagined we would be caught on some sort of hidden campus camera. that never happened, of course, and we did the same forbidden thing multiple times thereafter.

i realized while talking to him about this sudden misfortune, that our situations are very similar. we both were shocked when something near and dear to us exploded in our faces. for me, the explosion was figurative; for him it was literal. we both cried, we both ran to our friends for comfort, and we both are still reeling from disbelief. i told him to try and think positively about the situation--now he gets to go beetle shopping and explore his most favorite thing in the world. he will find a new car to become obsessed with and talk incessantly about with his friends, and it, too, will make him happy. he'll build just as much history with the next car as he did with this one.

and while i was telling him all this, i realized i was, in fact, reassuring myself. sometimes things have to be knocked down in order to be rebuilt stronger and better. eventually, john may have the money to rebuild his original car but in the meantime, he's going to move on and find another one to get excited about.

this is just too cute. thanks to erin for making me smile today...

something to keep in mind while i'm trying to put my heart back together...

"View a negative experience in your life like you'd look at a photo negative. A single negative can create an unlimited number of positive prints." --Gerhard Gschwandtner

i can't seem to get rid of this vacuous pit in my gut. it's this incessant aching that continually reappears no matter how much i try to relax. i've just about lost my appetite; i'm only eating because i have to. i don't crave anything in particular and the foods that normally excite me, gross me out now. i haven't had chocolate in several days, which for me, is very strange. at work, i smile and talk with much effort because in all honesty, i don't feel like doing either. i am on automatic pilot in every way. i burst into tears in the back room today absolutely out of nowhere. my moods are very unpredictable. i'm on a very thin tightrope and i'm walking very, very slowly.

and i'm so afraid i'm going to cave in and call him.

it's funny how irony works...

three days after i am dumped, essentially because i am "unmotivated" and "too dependant" the following happened:

1. i was offered a position at video press production company where i interviewed last friday. i declined to take the position, however, because the job just wasn't for me. but, nevertheless, I GOT IT.

2. one of my former film teachers called with a potential job offer working at 'the wire', a baltimore-based t.v. series. i'll be looking into that soon.

3. i got a raise and an excellent review from my bosses at work. i achieved the highest possible score on the review and some pretty great encouragement.

when it rains, it pours...i guess. and you know what they say about doors: when one closes, another opens...

i have never felt this lonely.

steve and i are no longer together. he broke up with me this weekend and i am devestatingly sad and profoundly hurt. there is really no other way of explaining it. i really can't anyway because, honestly, i don't have any energy left in my body. i am deeply, deeply disappointed and confused at this time and i don't know how long it's going to take me to get back on my feet again. i'm trying my best to take care of me and surround myself with positive influences, but it's all just too hard sometimes. i'm lost and i'm emotionally exhausted. and i know that for quite a while i will feel like this--like a shell of the person i really am. i don't want to be like this but i can't do anything but give into my emotions right now and ride the frenetic wave they take me on. i don't know how to explain how genuinely hurt i am and i'm not going to try either. i'm just going to let these feelings wash over me and have faith that i will get through it...

there's some things in this world
you just can't change
some things you can't see
until it gets too late

baby, baby, baby
when all your love is gone
who will save me
from all i'm up against out in this world
maybe, maybe, maybe
you'll find something
that's enough to please you
but if the bright lights don't receive you
you can turn yourself around
and come on home

i got a hole in me now
i got a scar i can talk about
she keeps a picture of me
in her apartment in the city
some things in this world
they don't make sense
some things you don't need
until they leave you
and they're things that you miss...(matchbox twenty)

so, the bank where steven works got robbed today. thank god he wasn't there when it happened. in fact, he walked in immediately after it, and freaked when he saw customers laying on the ground. he was the one to call the police. unfortuantely, they haven't caught the bastards yet.

you should have felt my heart when i first heard about this...

You are Drama.
You are extroverted and like to show off, but can be very subtle and intelligent when you want. As an expert at story-telling, you love attention and have developed the skill of keeping it.
You get along well with Literature and Film.

what form of art are you?

i have news. i have very exciting news. but part of me is scared to write about it because i'm afraid i'll jinx myself or something. oh nevermind. screw it. the floodgates are officially opened.

as i mentioned before, the beginning of last week sucked. i was worried about my dead car, fretting about my current life situation, and just felt overall depressed. i spent a couple nights crying my eyes out because steve and i have had very serious conversations lately about "the future", and i was feeling so confused about where i was headed. i felt lonely, drained, and unmotivated and all of it seemed to come to a head last monday. i felt overwhelmed by real world responsibilities and by my internal anxiety. i felt like crap. however,things took a turn for the better at the end of the week...

first, i picked up my new car, which is absolutely beautiful. i'm so pleased about every aspect of it and i'm indebted to my dad forever for all of his advice and help. he is really amazing. steve went with me when we picked it up and on the ride home, he laughed at how excited i was. every 5 minutes, i squealed with delight and asked 'don't you just love it? isn't it the cutest car you've ever seen?'. i was, and still am, thoroughly amused by it.

but the best news came friday morning. my mom called me at work saying that chris roberts (my college advisor) needed to talk to me immediately. when i called her back, she told me she just received information about a potential job opening that would be perfect for me. when she said job, i immediately asked, 'you mean a job, job? like a real job?' she said yes and then told me to give this woman at a company called "video press" a call. i did and after faxing her my resume and talking to her on the phone, i have an interview lined up for friday morning. the reason i'm so excited is because the job is really great. i'm applying to be the production assistant for a 12 episode t.v. series set to air on the discovery health channel. i know. i can't even believe i typed that. it sounds so cool! anyway, the t.v. series focuses on the life of doctors and patients at shock trauma in downtown baltimore. for those of you who don't live here, shock trauma is an amazing place. anyone who is critically injured in any type of accident is taken there immediately and operated on by some of the best doctors in the country. shock trauma is like 100 times as intense as any ordinary ER. you never know what kind of tragically injured person will come through the door. my job would be to assist in the project, taking detailed notes on anything i see during the shoot, and giving the notes to the writers of the show. i'd be in charge of getting releases signed, which is tricky because i will have to approach very emotionally-sensitive people in a delicate way. i mean, i would have to talk to family members of patients who are on their deathbed. that's what intimidates me the most. i would also work in the production office 4 days a week doing research and running errands for the directors.

i am nervous as hell about this. i'm also very excited because this could be really, really good for me and regardless of how much money it pays, it would look excellent on my resume. just being affiliated with this company is enough for me. they won the academy award for best documentary a few years ago. any of you see the film 'king gimp'? i saw it and cried because it was so wonderful. this company produced that film.

anyway, i don't want to freak out about this...but i am. my stomach is doing flips. this job would be a HUGE responsibility and very beneficial. i would get to meet so many interesting people, both at the company and the hospital and i know that it would change my life. just being in that enviroment, surrounded by doctors trying to save lives and patients trying to survive unimaginable accidents would be life-altering in itself. to be honest, i can't even wrap my head around the idea of it right now...

ok. that's it. i got it out. no more talk of it until later. my lips are sealed. ;)

slight change of plans...

i decided not to get the 2003 accent afterall. although beautiful, it wasn't worth the additional cost or higher insurance payments. instead, i'm going with a teal green 2001 accent, with the same mileage and only a slightly different body style. i was pretty sold on the 2001 when i found out how much cheaper it would be and all the extras that came with it. it has a keyless entry system, cd player, and even a self-starting ignition system! i will abolutely LOVE that feature on bitter cold winter mornings when i need to warm up my car before work.

went out last night with andrea, a girlfriend from work. we went to a local bar/restaurant and talked for quite a while. it's nice to get to know someone outside of our work environment, which is just so hectic at times. unfortunately, she's moving at the end of the month. it figures, right when we start getting closer. anyway, we had a nice night. it's not very often that i get to hang out exclusively with another girl in a bar. i'm not used to being approached by random guys. it's strange how bar life is, really. it's like the minute you walk through the door, you are prey for the hawks. it's kinda sad that some people go there to exclusively scope out potential dates. the whole thing takes some adjusting...

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
directed and produced a short film.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i'm not one to make new years resolutions because if i'm going to change something, i'll do it anytime necessary. but i understand that new years sybolizes moving on and new beginnings, so therefore, i've decided i want to write and read more in the new year. i also want to strive to be more motivated.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no, but i do know someone having a baby in march! ;)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
steve's grandmother passed away and although i didn't know her for long, i enjoyed her company very much. she was so kind.

5. What countries did you visit?
i remained in the U.S. last year. but later this year, i'm off to bermuda!

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
a well paying, fulfilling job that makes me feel proud.

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
may 22, 2003 when i graduated from college. although the entire experience was very anti-climactic, it marked the ending of an important era in my life--an era that i miss and that shaped me into the person i am today.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
again, making my very first film, a piece of art that i'm very proud of.

9. What was your biggest failure?
i don't think i really failed at anything. fail is a pretty strong word...

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
no, fortunately.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
"a rush of blood to the head", by coldplay.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
steven's, since he received a promotion at work and is slowly but surely on the way to achieveing his career goals.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
the catholic church.

14. Where did most of your money go?
actually, most of it went in the bank. the money i did spend though went toward food, gas, and xmas shopping.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
the premiere of my film, going to the ocean with steve, becky/patrick's wedding, the book "the frog king", seeing john mayer in concert for the 2nd time.

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
"clocks", by coldplay.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
although i'm more fulfilled in my relationships with people, i'd say i'm sadder actually. i'm just in a very confusing stage right now. of course, this is a really black and white question (which i hate) but overall, i'm not living my life precisely the way i want to at this moment.

18. thinner or fatter?
i'm pretty much the same size, i think.

19. richer or poorer?
richer, if you want to call it that.

20. What do you wish you'd done more of?
written more for pleasure, rather than merely for school assignments.

21. What do you wish you'd done less of?
worrying.

22. How will you be spending Christmas?
i spent it with my family and steve's, opening presents and eating chinese food for dinner.

23. Did you fall in love in 2003?
i continued to fall in love.

24. Any one night stands?
me? are you kidding?

25. What was your favorite TV program?
the practice, scrubs, the bachelor, friends, queer eye.

26. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
oh yes. kristy and her family.

27. What was the best book you read?
"the frog king" by adam davies.

28. What was your greatest musical discovery?
jason mraz.

29. What did you want and get?
a college diploma, magna cum laude status, a job at starbucks, and UNO attack!

30. What did you want and not get?
a yorkshire terrier.

31. What was your favorite film of this year?
"mystic river". when sean penn wins the oscar for best actor, remember i predicted it. ;)

32. What did you do on your birthday?
i was surprised by over 20 of my closest friends and family in steve's basement. man, did that throw me...

33. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? having entered into an amazing job right out of school.

34. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
target!

35. What kept you sane?
steve, music, and putting things in perspective...

36. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
well, if 'fancy' means wanting to jump his bones, i'd say josh duhamel from that show "las vegas". my god. he = perfection.

37. What political issue stirred you the most?
the only political issue that really, really stirs me is the death penalty. i'm not very political.

38. Who did you miss?
once i graduated, i missed my favorite professors and the classes they taught.

39. Who was the best new person you met?
oh god, i can't say! no wait....happy john. hands down, happy john. :)

40. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003.
everyone has to find there own way in life, at their own time. not everything falls into place when you expect it.

41. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"i worry, i weigh three times my body/ i worry, i throw my fear around/ but this morning, there's a calm i can't explain/ the rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain...." --'clarity' by j. mayer.

before i launch into my long-winded description of the wedding trip, let me first mention that my little honda civic, the very car i've driven for 6 years, has officially died. i couldn't drive home from work yesterday because the poor thing was making horrible rumbling noises and wouldn't steer. i was in a nervious wreck when i found out today that i'd have to buy a new car because i've never had to pay for something so expensive before. luckily, my dad knows a guy who cut him a deal and as of tomorrow night, i will be the proud owner of a 2003 Accent. the car is absolutely gorgeous. and it has less miles on it than my civic did when i first got it. i'm going to have to take out a loan for it though, but it will be a learning experience. my dad really thinks it will be a great investment and the warranty attached to it is phenomenal. i can't believe i will actually own something so nice.

so, about my trip. john picked me up early wednesday morning and we drove to becky and patrick's apartment in hanover. everyone was supposed to meet there before the rehearsal, but of course we were the only ones who showed up on time. we spent a couple hours talking to patrick's mother, marilyn, who i had been anxious to meet and who flew here from south africa to see her son walk down the aisle. (to make a very long story short, patrick and becky met online when they were 17. he's from south africa, she's from pennsylvania. they spent 3 years writing love letters, talking on the phone, and helping each other through hard times. then,he moved here 3 years ago, after what was supposed to only be a 2 week visit. i went to the airport with becky to pick him up and saw them meet for the very first time.) anyway, back to his mom. she's utterly amazing. this woman has lived such an incredible life and i could have talked to her for hours. she's met sting, david bowie, and bono...not to mention had her picture taken with nelson mandela. she's been at the forefront of very important events in s. africa and has accomplished so much in her lifetime, including writing for magazines, publishing a book, and having her own radio show. her accent is delightful. it basically sounds british, but with a slightly different twist. i also met patrick's brother, charles, who needless to say is drop dead gorgeous. honestly, he looks like he walked right off the front of one of those abercrombie and fitch shopping bags. i hate that store, but the models are wonderful. charles proved to be an exceptional young man himself, and i can honestly say that he's the most charming and sophisicated 17 yr. old i've ever met. they just don't breed boys like that in the U.S.A.

the rehearsal went well that day. i swore to everyone that i would cry when the actual wedding occured and everyone laughed. i walked way too fast down the aisle during the practice run...no surprise there. afterwards, the group went out to lunch, where i took full advantage of the salad and dessert bars. :)

later that day, becky, kristen, and i checked into our hotel room and got ready for the rehearsal dinner/new years eve party at becky's parents' house. steve met me there and we had a pretty decent time. becky's little sister got a covertible game table for xmas which provided endless hours of entertainment for everyone. plenty of air hockey, pool, and shuffleboard was played. the new year was rung in the traditional way, with a group of us gathered around the t.v. watching dick clark. steve left soon after that, and the girls headed back to the hotel where we stayed up watching a 'sex and the city' marathon until 3am. it was so great how wired we were, becky especially. every so often, i would look at her and say, "can you believe you're getting married in 2 days?!". that excitement was so contagious.

thursday was the final planning day, a time to tie up loose ends and such. the boys surprised patrick that morning by taking him to rehobeth beach for the day to unwind, since he hasn't seen the ocean since he left africa. he loved it tremendously. of course, that meant that the girls were responsible for finishing up things. i helped with the programs and the place cards and basically spent the day reassuring becky that, indeed, everything would turn out fine. kristen, laurie, and i were her sedatives. we hung out in the hotel again that night and the boys came over for a bit to watch 'real sex' on hbo. we had many a laugh, and when the guys left, we pulled out the spa products. i experimented with my very first peelable face mask and tried some cucumber eye pads. fun stuff, and things that i should treat myself to more often.

friday was the wedding day. we got up very early, wiped the sleep from our eyes, and enjoyed our last continental breakfast. we did our hair and makeup, packed up our belongings, then checked out of the hotel. we went with becky back to her parents' house where she spent her last few hours as a single woman. she was pretty calm and it was just a matter of time before it would all be over. we changed into our gowns at the church and i felt really elegant. the dress was a strapless navy blue satin ballgown with a white underskirt; very fancy. and since it was an evening wedding, it fit the tone of the ceremony perfectly.

the night was very formal and intimate. the ceremony began at 6pm and every second of it was so meaningful. it was the first time i'd participated in a wedding and it really changes the way you look at marriage when you're actually standing up there at the alter with the bride and groom. you can really feel the weight of the promise these 2 people are making. i spent most of the time watching patrick, as he was the one who was most emotional. as becky walked toward him, he literally lost his breath for a second and a tear rolled down his cheek. that's when i lost it. i started crying less than 5 minutes into the ceremony. i kept glancing over at laurie to see if she was as affected by it. at one point during the ceremony, we participated in a "handfasting" where the bride and groom's hands were tied together by ribbon, symbolizing the 'tying of the knot'. the groomsmen and bridesmaids walked up the alter in pairs and as they tied a bow, they said, "this knot is tied for love/faith/friendship/or loyalty". of course, when i went to tie the bow, my hands were shaking out of nervousness and i think i untied one of the other bows. typical.

the reception was very lovely, despite the fact there were audio system problems and basically no music the entire night. the food, however, was spectacular and the speeches were even better. charles, matt, patrick, and becky all spoke and really tied the amazing events of the past 3 years together. everything was just so romantic and i was genuinely happy the entire time. in fact, at the end of the night, i didn't want to leave. it was such fun to get away from reality for a few days and simply hang out with friends from college.

i hope that someday i can get pictures up of the event online. i know i could never fully explain how fun it was or how throughly i enjoyed the experience, but i can say this: marrying someone is an intense and wonderful experience that everyone should take very seriously. to vow lifelong commitment to someone is so beautiful to witness. i can't wait until it's my turn...