just got home from school...at 8pm. tonight was the 'welcome back picnic' for my students and their families. it turned out to be a really nice event. i had the opportunity to sit and talk with several of the parents and actually tell them more about me. i had been slightly apprehensive about doing that because i was afraid that when they started asking me a slew of questions and discovered this is my first experience with teaching, they'd be a little wary. luckily, i couldn't have been more wrong. every parent i chatted with seemed sincerely interested in my somewhat diverse background and were pretty encouraging about my choice to try teaching. i think i won them over with my enthusiasm. or atleast i tried. either way, it was really great being able to praise parents on their children. i absolutely love doing that. i know that if someone came up to me and said they genuinely enjoy teaching my child, i'd be elated. plus, who doesn't like hearing someone gloat over how sweet their pride and joy is? i eat it up.
so there are some pretty cool parents in the bunch. i sat down for a while with riley's mom, who i previously pegged as a total kooky vegan/hippie stereotype. turns out she's really a lot more than that. she's a teacher as well...and walked/biked ACROSS THE COUNTRY when she was 24. i couldn't believe that. i've heard of driving cross-country, but
walking? how insane is that? she said she and her husband spent close to a year knocking on random citizens' doors and asking to spend the night on their property. most of them actually invited them to sleep inside like it was nothing and even cooked them meals! they are still in contact with many of the families to this day. she said she couldn't believe how kind and generous the people in this country are and that she can't watch the news without cringing because all you ever hear about is the negative in people. i found that really refreshing and even though i would never attempt such a thing, i admire it...in some kooky vegan/hippie kind of way.
i've realized that the reason i'm so critical of myself regarding this job is because i feel i have to impress saundra, my teaching mentor. i work in her classroom and i feel (maybe a little irrationally) like my success is based largely on her opinion of me. i really like her; she's an excellent mentor for me, having taught at montessori for 8 years. but i think because she's been there for all that time that she's sort of settled in her ways and therefore likes to have imput and control over every little issue. she corrects me a lot. and not just on important things that she should correct me on, but stupid little things like the kind of tape i use or the snack i prepare for the day. she's a perfectionist and so am i, but i worry that she wishes i was doing more or something. maybe i'm just too paranoid.
this blog is all about work lately. how depressing. i'm turning into one of those people.
i'm sensing a pattern. i'm having a hard time pacing myself and taking things as they come. i'm having a hard time not wanting what other people already have. i keep looking forward, wanting more than i've currently been given, and putting pressure on myself to get 'there' quicker. and i don't even know where there is.
i would really like some permanency in my life. a stationary place where other people revolve around and i can just stay put. i really would like one home, one goal, one certainty by which all other things are determined. i know i am being vague.
i want to be an expert at this new job. i know that's next to impossible, considering i've ventured into practically foreign territory, but i feel too far behind to be having any impact. and i
really want to have some sort of impact. i am in such a rush to know everything, to anticipate every problem that could arise and know exactly how to solve it. i am also really hard on myself when i screw up because, in my mind, if i spend so much time thinking about everything, why didn't i prevent whatever mistake from happening? i think i'll be in this stage for a while. i've been talking with some of the other assistants and they say it takes several months (sometimes even years) to get adequately adjusted to the school and get a firm grip on the philosophy behind it. the hardest part for me right now is knowing when to intervene. i constantly want to correct the children when i see errors, but now i'm learning that isn't the best approach...nor is it conducive to the 'montessori way'. god, this is hard.
i think it's kind of odd that i wasn't required to have any formal training for this job. you'd think they would require me to take a class or something on
how to teach. instead, i'm relying on intense observation and trial and error.
how am i expected to be patient with children when i can barely be patient with myself? slowing down has always been a problem for me, in more ways than one. i talk fast, i move fast, i think fast. ideas hit me quickly and i run with them and before i know it, i've lost the moment(s) i'm supposed to be living in. i don't live in the moment as much as i should...and i HATE that. i'm continually living for what's coming next and trying to anticipate any roadblocks. it's a horrible way to be.
these are the thoughts that go through my head
in my backyard on a Sunday afternoon
when I have the house to myself and I am not
expending all that energy on fighting with my boyfriend
is he the one that I will marry?
why is it so hard to be objective about myself?
why do I feel cellularly alone?
am I supposed to live in this crazy city?
can blindly continued fear-induced regurgitated
life-denying tradition be overcome?
where does the money go that I send to those in need?
if we have so much why do some people have nothing still?
why do I feel frantic when I first wake up in the morning?
why do you say you are spiritual
yet you treat people like shit?
how can you say you're close to God
and yet you talk behind my back as though I am not
a part of you?
why do I say I'm fine
when it's obvious I'm not?
why's it so hard to tell you what I want?
why can't you just read my mind?
why do I fear that the quieter I am the less you will listen?
why do I care whether you like me or not?
why is it so hard for me to be angry?
why is it such work to stay conscious and so easy to get stuck
and not the other way around?
will I ever move back to canada?
can I be with a lover with whom I am a student and a master?
why am I encouraged to shut my mouth
when it gets too close to home?
why cannot i live in the moment?
you should just pretend i wrote this song even though alanis did. i've decided it's my favorite by her because everytime i hear it, i wish more than anything that i had written it. honestly, i could have.
while i'm waiting for the delicious cake i just baked to cool off, i will attempt some semblance of an update. be forewarned: i'm scatter-brained.
the kids arrived at school this week. we're only starting with the returning students, so i've only had to work with 14 until next monday, when they start phasing in the new kids one by one. it is a CHALLENGE. i forgot how tiny 4 and 5 year olds are and just what they are capable of saying and/or doing. i'd say that most people underestimate a child of that age, when really they are incredibly smart and proficient at doing many tasks on their own. a lot of them are teaching me things, because i don't exactly know all the activities in the room yet. this will take time. i did realize very quickly, however, that i've taken for granted many of the simple things i do everyday that actually take time and concentration for a child. things like writing a number or tying a shoe. it's really odd to have to stop and slow down to think about what might be more difficult for them. i think that most of my exhaustion comes from trying to think like a child for 8 hours a day, anticipating their difficulties.
one of the kids verbally assaulted me the first day. she looked at me quizzically, tilted her head and said, "you look weird with black hair." i was taken aback, mostly because i was not prepared for such a comment. little brat. but afterward i got to correct her, so that was fun.
for all you sports fans out there, miguel tejada jr. is in my after-school program group. the kid looks
exactly like his dad, thicke spanish accent and everything. he's a little hellion--spoiled rotten--but he's so adorable, you almost don't mind. i said ALMOST. i'm sure he will be a handful, but luckily i have plenty of other teachers to help me with him. oh, and most days he is picked up by a limo complete with chauffeur. imagine that.
it's hard to sort through the rest of the clutter in my head but know this: i am overwhelmed and continually challenged. this job is all i seem to think or worry about. i think that won't really stop until i get more comfortable there and have some sort of niche. i'm already developing a routine of sorts out of necessity, but it still makes me anxious being the newbie. i feel like j.d. from the first season of
scrubs. except i don't work in a hospital. and i'm not an adorably dorky man like zach braff. but that's beside the point...
i hate not having any time to do anything. i'm busy every night of the week except for mondays and thursdays, and that's when i try to exercise and get some alone time and not do anything substantial. so except for mike, i'm really not in touch with people. which is sad. once things settle down at school, maybe things will change.
ok. time for cake.
