i haven't been in the mood lately to sit down and write about my year and what has happened and what it has all meant to me. typically, i do like writing about such things--making grand statements about how such-and-such experience or such-and-such a person changed my life--because recognizing the significance of things has never been a challenge for me and i quite like reliving experiences through writing. but it's different this year. i don't really feel like i have all that much to say that hasn't already been said. now with that being clarified, let me say this...
if someone were to ask me what happened in 2004 that affected me most, i'd list only a few things:
1. breaking up with my ex-boyfriend. it changed me profoundly in the sense that i learned a great deal about myself. the entire unravelling of the relationship served as a mirror in which i was forced to take a hard look at my fractured (yet hopeful) reflection. my sadness lead me to discover some great music (mostly by alanis) which helped me heal much faster than i anticipated. for the first time, i think i felt like i could identify with a voice i heard on a CD, to the point where i felt like a better person after having listened. in the end, i grew up a lot, realized what i do and do not want, and ultimately stopped ignoring the voices in my head. (i'm still working on myself though...as we all should continually be doing.)
2. skydiving. you all can go back and find my entry about this if you want to; it's all in there. now that i've stepped back from it, i see it as this experience that was kind of metaphorical. it's sort of hard to explain. anyway, i can't wait to do it again in the spring.
3. meeting mike. simply stated, he restored my faith in a lot of things. i feel safe with him. and there's this comfort between us that i couldn't imagine before i met him. i'm so glad i said yes when he asked me out...the second time anyway. ;)
that's pretty much all i see when i look back. those are all the good things, atleast. i still see a lot of things i need to improve on. i'm still not satisfied with my job. i want to find one that isn't just a stepping stone and one that fulfills me on a personal level. i want to stop being afraid of certain things...of losing certain things. i want to take more chances, because i know now that if i can jump out of a plane, i can do anything. i want to continue getting better on my own and repairing the things about myself that get in the way of my success. i want to keep looking out for myself, and being kind to myself. i'm going to stop wishing for things, and become a bit more proactive.
onward and upward. that's the only way to go.
it's sad that it takes a tragedy to make people (myself included) wake up and count their blessings. today at work, i was talking with kurt, this college kid that i absolutely adore. he's the kind of guy who works so hard all the time, always with a smile on his face, and has the sweetest demeanor. he asked how my xmas was, i told him great, and then he told me his wasn't the best. his 28 yr. old brother died in his sleep on the 23rd, from complications of diabetes. my eyes filled up with tears when i heard this, mostly because it amazed me how wonderful kurt was behaving in spite of dealing with such a horrible thing. then i started thinking about how i get down on myself a lot, how i complain and bitch, and feel i have these heavy problems that plague me all the time. how ridiculous, i realized, when there are REAL issues like this one at hand (not to mention the whole disaster over in asia right now). that's not to say that we all don't have our own individual tragedies to handle or our own personal demons to conquer; of course, everything is relative and all feelings are valid. but when it comes down to it, i (as well as the majority of people i know) have an incredible amount of things to be grateful for. that's why i have such a low tolerance for people who walk around with sour faces all the time and who treat people they interact with like shit. i see it every day...especially since i work in a very public setting and talk to a great majority of people. there is so much ignorance and nastiness and bitterness. everything is taken for granted and no one acts like they realize their lives could change in literally an instant. i've always been one to think about this stuff, so maybe that makes me more enlightened...who knows. but even i need a wake up call sometimes. it's hard sometimes to remind myself to do it but it's a necessary reminder. really LOOK and LISTEN to people when they talk. reflect and think about what is important to you and whether the "problem" at hand is a fleeting one, or something more significant. bottom line, just be kind. 'cause many people are hurting underneath the surface.
well well well, the cat is finally out of the damn bag. for those of you out of the loop, i had been anxiously awaiting mike's surprise xmas gift to me for the past couple of weeks. this past saturday night, after countless tortorous days filled with unanswered questions and sheer confusion...i got my gift. and i must say, it was oh so sweet.
we left here around 3 in the afternoon and headed south. then we took a turn north. and then south again. and then north again. (mike was doing a really good job of messing with me.) for a while, i thought we were headed to new york, just because it seemed like an eventful place to be and he knows how much i love the city. the entire car ride, he was quite excited by his ability to hide this surprise from me and amused by my frustration and curiosity over it. i was moderately dressed up (one of the few things he did tell me) so i figured we were headed somewhere nice...or atleast to a place where both he and i should be on our best behavior. anyway, so we drove and drove and drove...until we saw the atlantic city skyline. and i'm thinking, "hmm. atlantic city. he took me all the way here to gamble?" so i was still a tad confused, still had no idea what we were here for. we walked around one of the casinos for a couple hours, grabbed some pizza, and then headed to our final destination, the trump taj mahal. we were literally standing in the lobby of the xanadu theatre when i found out what was going on. he had gotten me that far--practically to my seat--before i realized everything. so what was the moment of truth, you ask? well...while we're waiting there about to go in, this random stupid woman walks up to an usher and asks, "is this where the kevin spacey show is?"
that was IT. that's all i needed to hear.
i immediately started freaking out--not really outwardly, but more inside my head. i recall my heart sort of skipping a beat and thinking, "did she just say KEVIN SPACEY? is KEVIN SPACEY in the same building as ME? what? why?" mike's face sort of fell in that moment because he was hoping i wouldn't realize where we were until kevin actually came out on stage. oh well. we will always curse that stupid, thoughtless woman!
for those of you who don't know, mr. spacey is on a tour to promote his new film
"Beyond the Sea" which opens on the 29th. the movie is about the life of 50's singer bobby darin and the tour consists of him singing a bunch of darin's songs with a full orchestra and dancing and such. oh my word. it was SO neat! when they announced his entrance onto the stage, i literally gasped in delight. it was quite possibly my dorkiest moment because i felt like one of those brainless teenage girls who coos over her favorite backstreet boy. but seriously...the man is
beautiful. oh god, he's all smiley and sweet and suave and funny and confident. kevin spacey has been my favorite actor for years now and i just couldn't get over the fact that he was standing in front of me. yes, we were in the back of the theatre, but that didn't really matter. he was there, and so was i. it was heaven.
oh, and the man can sing! very well!
so that was the surprise. my boyfriend got me kevin spacey for xmas. i'm going to go out on a limb here and say that makes him the best boyfriend in the world.
moving on...to a completely random survey thingy.
THREE THINGS
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. erin
2. ern (pronounced "urn"...courtesy of my fellow starbuckians)
3. erzie (the inevitable childhood nickname)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. erzie25
2. N/A
3. N/A
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my eyelashes.
2. my tendency to be happy over the smallest, most simple things.
3. my ability to have conversations with just about anyone.
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my fear of big changes.
2. how hard i am on myself.
3. my tendency to talk about doing things, yet never actually
doing them.
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. irish.
2. russian.
3. german.
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. hitting a deer with my car.
2. getting really lost while driving in a big city.
3. close-minded people.
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. my laptop.
2. mascara.
3. sleep.
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. a hardrock cafe teeshirt.
2. blue running shorts.
3. a sports bra.
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists) at this moment:
1. matt nathanson
2. coldplay
3. beck
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. "answering machine" --matt nathanson
2. "sunday morning" --maroon 5
3. "beyond the sea" --bobby darin (also sung by the great kevin spacey!)
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. going to texas.
2. seriously brainstorming and researching jobs i want to pursue.
3. reading a bit every single day.
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. fun.
2. companionship.
3. true intimacy.
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (you figure out which is which)
1. i have never seen any of the star wars films.
2. i'm scared of monkeys.
3. my bra size is 36B.
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. strong hands.
2. capable shoulders.
3. nice, clean teeth.
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. that star trek thing where you separate your fingers into a "v".
2. buy into the whole atkins, carb-fearing culture. bring on the pasta!
3. listen to linkin park.
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. talking to my friends.
2. writing in my journal(s)
3. kissing.
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. eat dinner.
2. go on a long vacation to somewhere really warm.
3. turn my brain off.
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. creative writing.
2. teaching art to kids.
3. working in a museum.
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. australia.
2. anywhere in the carribean.
3. ireland.
THREE KID'S NAMES:
1. madeline
2. dylan
3. ryan.
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. go skydiving once a year, every year for the rest of my life.
2. have children.
3. take a cross-country road trip.
