i've decided that my favorite thing about myself is my ability to find happiness in small things. i literally can find joy in a good hamburger, or a 30 minute sitcom re-run, or a really nice hug. i look forward to those things, actually. they are what get me through the rough times, the times when i feel so unsure and helpless...

my sister, mom and i ate dinner over a neighbor's house last night. she's in the catering business and a magnificent cook, and her meal was nothing short of fabulous. we had salmon and lemon pasta and greek salad. she even made shrimp with homemade cocktail sauce for an appetizer. a great meal does so much more than just satisfy an appetite. i think it makes you feel better all over because eating well and in good company is fulfilling to the soul. i know in other cultures, there is quite an emphasis put on mealtime which i find rather refreshing.

anyway, this woman has been such a wonderful friend to my mom these past few months and out of everyone, she's the person i would turn to if i needed her. at one point after dinner, she asked us to go around the table and compliment or thank the person to our right for something they've done and i felt that was a really nice idea. it gave me the chance to tell her exactly what i've observed about her and what i admire about the way she lives her life. she has totally taken us under her wing and provided more comfort and love than anyone. it's actually quite astounding, especially in this day and age when you expect people to let you down. she's a wonderful mother and lives in a warm, beautiful, comfortable home and i only hope i can have all that one day for myself. i think what i like about her most is her passion for everything she does. she puts as much love into her food and her home as she does her children and every bit of it shows. she lives big and genuinely enjoys all that she is afforded. it's nice to be around that kind of person once and awhile...to be reminded that i'm like that too.

i really love exploring people's homes. not snooping per se, but just looking around and seeing what they've accumulated over the years and piecing together the story of their life. it makes me think about how people aquire their belongings, the process of building a household and a history; merging together the husband and the wife's belongings and individual tastes. i know it's a process, but i try to imagine what my future home will look like sometimes--when i have complete control over the paint on my walls or the sofa in my living room. i know one thing: i don't want a useless room. you know how people have one room (usually a dining room with a china cabinet or something equally unused and breakable) where no one sits or bothers to enjoy? i never want that. i want my entire home to be liveable and comfortable. i don't want any entire space to be too fragile. that's not a home, in my opinion; it's merely a museum.

work is so much more bearable now because i know i won't be there much longer. i'm so much calmer now. i've decided my last day is august 12th and that i'm taking 2 weeks off after that. it will be weird being unemployed for 14 days but also kind of liberating.

i find the show date my mom on mtv to be absolutely hysterical. my sister can back me up on this one. the entire thing is so scripted and unrealistic it completely blows my mind. the funniest thing is that most of the time, the mothers on the show are psychotic and spend the entire time pimping their daughters to some random teenage boy. i'm not kidding. they talk about their daughters like they're selling them. it's hysterically disgusting. or maybe i'm just weird.

everyone who knows me, knows i collect quotes. i subscribe to a few online mailing lists, and i received this one today:

"Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something -- your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." --Steven Jobs

you could say this quote came at a good time. it basically reiterates what i've always believed, but was starting to doubt because of an overwhelming feeling of restlessness. i was beyond the point of stagnation; i felt i was running in circles at my current job and going nowhere. well, things have changed. i'm happy to report that i have a new job!

first things first, i don't start until the the end of august. i'll be working at The Montessori School in lutherville as a teacher's assistant in training. i'll be floating around to the various classrooms on campus and helping out where i'm needed...planning activities, working in the library and office, and substitute teaching. everyday will be a different challenge because i won't be doing exactly the same thing. the job is monday thru friday, 8:30-4:30. i'll be working with kids ages 3 through 14, in just about every subject and even assisting during their after-school program, where they participate in creative workshops. so basically, i will have regular hours, full benefits, the chance to teach and work with children, and an overall positive change to look forward to. i can't even tell you how excited i am.

i could go on and on about how amazing and interesting this school is, but i'll leave it up to you to check it out if you wish. the idea of being affiliated with it makes me really happy because it essentially promotes many of my own principles and philosophies about education. i will have plenty of room to grow there, and i can even be certified in the future to be a teacher in a specific grade. a change of pace will be nice. NOT getting up at 3:45am to make coffee will be even nicer.

it's nice to be entering a field where i know i'll be contributing. more than anything, i've wanted a job that makes me happy to get up in the morning and satisfied when i go home at night. i think (and hope) this is it...or if nothing else, a step in the right direction.

oh, and i cannot wait until i make my last drink at starbucks. i'm planning on doing some kind of celebratory dance or something. i've done this for 2 years. you really have no idea how great it will feel not to make another goddamn frappucino.

the title of this post comes from the chorus of the latest song by keane. i can't seem to get it out of my head. they remind me a lot of coldplay, but with a slightly different mood. i feel like everything is changing around me lately; everything is in a state of flux...very fluid and maleable. kind of like taffy. situations, intentions, and emotions are being pulled every which way and i don't know how to deal with it sometimes. i feel like change for the better is on the brink, that something is coming. i know that sounds prophetic (and maybe a little PATHetic?) but i'm just sensing a pivot somewhere. maybe it will be with me.

today marks my 8th day off from work and counting. technically, i should be in california right now, so i'm still in the "vacation" mindset. i offered to take an opening shift tomorrow morning just to make myself feel productive and salvage a few more vacation hours. i'll be needing them next month when we go to maine. i'm really looking forward to that and i know it's a trip that will actually happen.

the beach was nice last thursday. it felt wonderful being there especially because the weather was so perfect--85 degrees, sunny, and a radiant blue sky. see?


the drive up and back was great too; it's always fun blaring old-skool madonna and billy joel and singing in unison. i'll never get enough of that. the water felt great, the sun felt great, everything was just the way i hoped it would be. thanks, guys.

i bought a copy of the film what dreams may come yesterday, having never seen it before. john hess always told me he liked it, and i had a feeling i would too. it is a really remarkable film...one that everyone should see regardless of whether you believe in an afterlife. visually, it's just stunning; so if for no other reason, watch it because it's a real treat for the eyes. the message at the core of the film--the notion that true, soul-mate love transcends this physical life--is very beautiful. it makes you think a lot about what your imagination is capable of; how your thoughts contribute directly to the kind of life you live here and hereafter. i really want to watch it again to understand its other layers, but for now i pass on the recommendation to you. if you've ever thought about life after death or what it might look like, watch this film.

i've noticed something about myself recently. i really like things in order, put away, and organized. i've always known i was neat and i've never been anal about it. but i think i'm more compartmentalized and such now because the cleanliness of my environment is something i can control...in a time when i can't control much. i don't like holding on to things; i'm not much of a pack rat. throwing things away and stripping down to what i really like and need is exciting to me, not scary. most objects don't really mean anything to me and i don't attach any significance to them. instead, i find meaning in people, in places that i've experienced moments of joy. i try very consciously to keep my relationships with people in order, never leaving them wondering how i feel about them. this leads to me playing referee sometimes, kind of running in-between people to assure them i understand and have time for them. so i guess it's not so much about keeping the tangible things in order, but more about maintaining my emotions and relationships. i guess the physical environment is just a metaphor. everything is just a representation of something bigger.

so for some odd reason, i've woken up by 8am the last 3 days. this really doesn't make any sense for two very obvious reasons. one, i'm on "vacation" this week. who gets up early when they don't have to? and two, i love sleeping. absofuckinglutely LOVE it. what gives? i guess part of it is that i can't bear to waste the day away in bed when it's so sunny outside. but with this humidity, who can stand being outside for more than 5 minutes anyway?

i somehow managed to convince 3 people to take off work tomorrow and go the beach with me for the day. (i'm so conniving and clever.) i wanted to atleast see sand and ocean sometime this week and make my time off worth it. so it's me, the mikes, and laurie. should be one fun-filled day if the weather holds up. i WILL get some sun...and play some mini-golf. those are my only stipulations.

i had an insane craving for lemon bars yesterday. so i baked some and they are amazingly delicious. but you can't have any because i'm eating all of them. i guess it sucks to be you.

i'm really getting sick and tired of seeing tom cruise on every t.v. channel. yes, i know he's doing this world tour to promote war of the worlds, and i know he's crazy in-love with joey from dawson's creek, but give it a rest. and i hate how he laughs for five minutes after every question he's asked. it's like c'mon man, just answer the damn question and stop stalling. i really don't find him as sincere or charming as he used to be. i'll say it again: damn katie holmes.

don't even get me started about michael jackson. there's just too much smack to talk.

i went out to dinner last night with my mom and sister and some old neighbors of ours who i've known since i was in elementary school. my sister basically grew up with their daughter and it was crazy having all of us, grown-up, sitting in the same room. alexandra even brought an old photo of her and april when they were like four to show them. it was just the sweetest thing to see how far they've come. i love how after so many years, you can still pick right up where you left off.

here's an example of irony at it's finest.
i was sitting at my desk this morning, writing a new blog entry about leaving for california tomorrow, saying how i really need to get away and how my expectations for trips are always really high. then my phone rings. it's shelley from work telling me that marissa's mom called there to get my number. marissa isn't doing so well out there and is getting help for her depression. i knew things were bad with her, so that wasn't a surprise. but i had just talked to her last night and she seemed ok and our plans were still on. but now, it turns out that i won't be going at all. so i'm stuck here, with a week to myself and a lot of disappointment in my heart.

of course, i want marissa to be ok. obviously, that is the most important thing. she's in a rough place and i hope she's back on her feet soon. but i'm upset because this trip was about so much more than just vacation. i was really looking forward to going away on my own, being on my own in a new place and spending some quality time with a girl friend. i've felt very worn out lately--tired, sad, overwhelmed, worried--and i thought california (if even for a week) was the ticket to a little emotional peace and quiet. i know it's not the end of the world; i'll use the money toward another trip sometime in the next year. but i'm just bummed out that (yet again) something i've been counting the days down to, isn't going to happen. ugh, there's really no point in groaning any more over it. that's life.

i went to a pretty dull wedding this past weekend. because i had no personal connection to either the bride or the groom (i went as mike's date, and nothing more), i was able to look at everything more objectively. it wasn't a very impressive ceremony or reception. everything seemed very thrown together, disorganized, and mediocre. the programs given out at the church were made of construction paper and yarn and we sat in generic fold out metal chairs at the firehall reception. groomsmen handed out condoms to all the male guests to give to the groom as a gag. everything came across as tacky and uninspired, which i found quite sad. i completely understand the need to budget...to make the best of what you can afford. but to me, that doesn't mean things have to look cheap. i'm all about hands-on projects, like making your own invitations and place cards, but when you sacrifice tact for money, it really shows.

i would never want my wedding to appear generic or impersonal. i want the people in the room--whether that be 10 or 100--to be people that i know and love; i do not want to be meeting people at my own wedding. i want intimacy and sincerity to show in every last detail and most importantly, i want the ceremony and reception to be an honest reflection of my personality. i don't want to do formulaic things like toss the bouquet or have a head table or read traditional vows just because i'm "supposed to". i want to know i have a real hand in the way the day turns out and i don't want to do things half-assed just because outside opinions tell me i need to include this or that, and therefore i must budget for it. i would rather elope or have a wedding with just immediate family present than sacrifice what i ultimately want my wedding day to be. i will strive for simplicity and elegance and personality and intimacy and i won't compromise that for anything. i'm only getting married once, and there is no way i'll rush into it or settle for things that aren't me just to say i had a wedding. too many people plan for the day and not the marriage anyway.

i guess i reevaluate my opinions on all this with each wedding i attend. i know people want different things, that not everyone is the same or places the same importance on the same things. but i can sense apathy. i know a lack of interest when i see it. and i just think it's sad, frankly. anything half-hearted just isn't worth doing in my opinion. i wonder whether all this is a reflection of the institution of marriage in general. i wonder if the majority of people have just given up on the meaning behind it and instead undercompensate for it by simply throwing together something uninspired. at the same time though, i've seen people overcompensate, spend entirely too much on extravagant things, and still not put the effort into the actual marriage. so who knows. i just wonder sometimes.