some random customer asked me out today at work. of course, i froze immediately and acted like a complete blubbering fool. i really wasn't interested, because a. i'm still nursing a broken heart (duh), and b. because he didn't seem like my type. he was older (maybe early 30's) and i'm not really comfortable going out with someone i've never seen before and who talked to me for only 30 seconds before asking me out. oh, and he asked if i would like "to get a cup of coffee sometime"....newsflash: i work in a coffee shop. anyway, i give the guy a lot of credit and i felt really, really bad saying no, but i had to be honest. i told him i had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't ready to date anyone yet. (of course, there is *one* person who i'd say yes to in a heartbeat. but there's really no point in thinking about that because it's never going to happen.)

it was totally flattering and all, but i'm just not ready. i don't know when i'll be, truthfully. it just feels so weird being single. it seems like so long since i've had the mindset of someone who is available. plus, i've had a really rough week emotionally and i don't think i'd be good for anyone right now. i'm such an emotional basketcase and it's beginning to really irritate me.

i'm lonely. i'm mad. i miss him a lot. my brain hates him; my heart still loves him. i'm afraid i will never find someone special. i'm tired of being so self-reflective and self-absorbed, but i need to be my own best friend right now. i have a crush on someone i can't have. i think i'm gradually becoming more bitter and cynical about love...and i HATE that. i feel a giant void inside my heart and my stomach still acts weird. i need to be on my own but i don't like it. i mean, i do sometimes, just not lately. blah. that's it.

this song made me cry while i was on the treadmill this morning...

maybe different but remember
winters warm where you and i
kissing whiskey by the fire
with the snow outside
and when the summer comes
in the river
swims at midnight
shiver cold
touch the bottom
you and I
with muddy toes

stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
it was good as good goes
stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did

wake up naked drinking coffee
making plans to change the world
while the world is changing us
was good good love
you used to laugh under the covers
maybe not so often now
but the way I used to laugh with you
was loud and hard

stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
it was good as good goes
stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did

so what to do
with the rest of the day's afternoon, hey
isn't it strange how we change
everything we did?
did I do all that i should
that I coulda done?

remember we used to dance
and everyone wanted to be
you and me
I want to be too
what day is this?
besides the day you left me
what day is this?
besides the day you went

so what to do
with the rest of the day's afternoon, hey
well isn't it strange how we change
everything we did
did I do all that I could?

remember we used to dance
and everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
what day is this?
besides the day you went, babe
what day is this?

i don't think i'm doing as well as i thought i was.

You are Woodstock!

Which Peanuts Character are You?

i am typing these words from my newly wireless-ly connected laptop. yee-haw! i LOVE dsl connections. my need for speed has been satisfied! :)

i think i've mentioned my love of matt nathanson before. correction: my adoration of him. i met him a few years ago at my first john mayer concert. after his opening set, i found him wandering in the crowd and walked right up to him to say 2 very important things: 1, i absolutely loved his hair and 2, he rocked the house with his solo performance. anyway, he's super nice, super cool, and overall just a super human being who gives great hugs. not to mention--SO funny!

i read his online journal quite frequently but this entry is one of the best i've seen in a while. god, that man cracks me up...

it's amazing how a feeling of lonliness or despair or self-pity can just creep up on you out of no where. at work today, i was on bar at one point making drinks, when all of a sudden this quick, overwhelming feeling of sadness swept over me, putting my stomach in knots. for a few moments, i missed him. i truly, genuinely missed him for the things he was to me and for the things i will always love about him. the thought was fleeting of course, and before long i was sucked back into reality and reminded of all the reasons why i am so hurt, of all his flaws, and of why i cannot see him any time soon. i suppose that precise moment is what truly defines a breakup. after all the dust has settled and all the words are spoken, all you're left with is a string of these unpredictable, heartwrenching moments that knock you for a loop. when all is said and done, all you're left to wrestle with is acceptance.

the pining is the hard part. the quiet times when you're sitting still and all you hear is your conscience telling you that you're alone and may be for some time. those moments when all you honestly and truly want is to know that someone out there is thinking of you and wishing you were near them. i suppose i miss the idea of him, really. not him, per se. i miss what he represented to me and how i felt during the good times.

anyway, like i mentioned before, i've been keeping busy which i know is good, because i'm continuing to open up. i feel really comfortable being my self around everyone i know and for the most part, my pangs of sadness are few and far between. i've become really attached to my friend (and boss) john, in ways that i never predicted. i always knew we had similiar interests and personalities, but i never quite knew the extent of our connection. i feel special when he's in the room and i love spending time with him, as much as with anyone i've known for years. he has a girlfriend, who i've met and really like and who, oddly enough, he tells me i am a lot like. i've definitely noticed a pattern in the type of girls he's attracted to. things have been kind of strange lately because we've hung out a few times alone at night, either out at a bar or dinner and had these 3 hour long conversations about everything. and there have been moments when it felt like we were on a date, when everything flowed so naturally and we looked at each other with comfortable intensity. i don't know, it's just a strangely nice scenerio. he has proven to me that he sincerely cares about my well-being and the condition of my heart. i don't know whether i mentioned this before, but when i first told him about the breakup, his eyes glistened with tears. he looks at me sometimes and says out of nowhere, 'you make me happy' and we both smile and laugh and go back to doing whatever we were doing. there's just a lot of unspoken things, i think. i've told him that he's one of my favorite people in the world, that very few people make me laugh like he does, and that he has played a significant role in my feeling better lately. he can't take compliments, and so when i say these things he just gets pink and hangs his head. basically, he knows how amazing i think he is. and i know how amazing he thinks i am. but there's a line that i just can't cross for many reasons, so i'm learning to deal with my nagging feelings and simply enjoy his company.

one thing i told him the other night was that i'm tired of people telling me what an awesome person i am and not following through with it. i've heard all that so many times, over and over, from all different people in my life and they all wind up saying goodbye. basically, i want to be thought so wonderful that no one is willing to give me up. i want to pass someone's test (besides my own, of course) with flying colors and be recognized for who and what i am. i want the whole package, not just the pretty wrapping and the empty promises. on this spinning globe of change and inconsistency, i want to find some sort of permanency--some person who i can forever rely on and confide in. i want to find someone i can be still with, while everything else is rushing by.

i could go on, i guess. but that pretty much sums up what i've been thinking about these days.

i have some things to report. where shall i begin? i suppose i'll break it down, digest style:

1. my valentine's day.
2. the stolen CDs catastrophe.
3. my relocating laptop.
4. the film 'monster'.

1. i had a really, really nice valentine's day thanks to 3 very wonderful people. well, 4 people, if you count my mom for keeping such a good secret. anyway, at 4:30 on saturday afternoon, my doorbell rang. when i opened the door, there stood patrick with a beautiful rose for me. he told me to pack an overnight bag and prepare to go with him up to hanover. i was so surprised! we drove about 45 minutes and arrived at his and becky's apartment, where i spent the evening with becky and kristen, watching girly movies and eating chinese food with the real silverware b&p got as a wedding present. us girls had THE best time. we drank mudslides, talked, watched my favorite movie ever ('when harry met sally'), and they even bought me gifts, including various spa products and cute valentine pajamas. i felt so special and taken care of. i mean, becky gave up her first valentine's day as a married woman to spend time with me. apparently, she called my mom after the breakup and made the plans. i have the best girl friends!

2. earlier on saturday, i discovered that my CD case containing several of my favorite CDs was stolen from my car. the theif? one of the "complimentary valet" guys at bahama breezes restaurant in towson. you should have seen how pissed i was (and still am) when i realized what happened. i had a great time at the restaurant on friday night, spent over $100 on dinner with friends, and i'm demanding to be compensated for this theft. i'm waiting to hear back from the district manager.

3. my most prized technological possession, my little laptop, is finally being relocated to my bedroom. and when i say finally, i mean finally. i've been waiting to get this wireless hookup for over a year now. and by next tuesday night, i should be typing from the privacy of my room. yay!

4. i just saw 'monster' tonight with my dad. it is really, really intense and i highly recommend it. charlize has the best actress oscar in the bag, hands down. she's simply amazing. her performance is relatively flawless. go see it!

on tuesday morning, i got a very unexpected phone call and was momentarily taken aback. he called, on his day off, and asked (again) if we could meet up somewhere to talk. it was weird to hear his voice when i answered the phone. i had become so conditioned to hearing it for so long, but after not hearing it for over 3 weeks, it was unsettling. we talked for almost an hour and the conversation was completely different than our last: this time he was the one crying, and i was the calm, composed one. you all would have been really proud of me, honestly. it felt really great to say everything i needed to, all the things that had been on my mind for weeks, and say them with such confidence and self-assurance. i told him there was no need to argue anymore, no point in battling over our differences because i was tired of defending myself. i've moved on, i'm stronger, and i'm more in touch with myself now then ever. he kept saying he wants to be friends and i kept saying i can't guarantee that now, nor can i even think about it. i'm healing, but i'm still deeply hurt and i don't think he has the right to choose my role in his life. he can't ask me to be his friend after telling me all the horrible things he did; it just doesn't work that way. the ball is in my court now, folks, and i will contact him when, and if, i want to pursue a friendship. i simply can't afford to digress in my healing process right now.

it was really strange, though, saying 'no' to someone i had said 'yes' to so many times before. i felt kind of sad the rest of the day because it felt really final. finally.

and now i've become this complete social butterfly. i must go out 3 or so times a week with work friends and each and every time, i have a complete blast. i've really gotten close with happy john, whom i had one of the best conversations of my life with the other night. to put it bluntly, he is amazing. we have this very, very special thing that i can't really put my finger on, but that fills me up in all the empty places. when i am hanging out with him, i'm completely myself and completely worryless. he listens to me and understands me like only 2 other people in my life ever have. it's so obvious that he came into my life at the perfect time, and for a very important reason. he boosts me up and he says when we talk, i teach him more and more about himself. this friendship is really great for my heart.

OMG, this game is so theraputic. i think i just found something to do on valentine's day.

wow, so i am now 23. that sounds so old, or atleast, it sounded old when i recall thinking about eventually turning 23 when i was like, 15. whatever. i'm not even sure whether i explained that clearly.

anyway, i've really had a nice birthday weekend. i say weekend because the festivities began on friday night. i went out with some friends from work and had the time of my life. really, i had no idea it would be so fun.

first, i was blindfolded and driven to an restaurant in the city called "the helmond", a place that happy john had been talking about incessently and i had a feeling would wind up taking me. anyway, let me clarify how disorienting being blindfolded really is. the entire time i was in the car, i kept saying 'where in the hell am i?' i was trying to imagine the passerbys looking in the windows and seeing some ridiculous girl with a scarf over her face. i didn't know whether we were going east, west, up, down, who knows. and i wasn't allowed to remove my blindfold until after we were in front of the restaurant, which meant i was forced to walk down the street looking like a complete ass. i was so afraid i'd slip on black ice or something.

when the scarf was untied, i couldn't believe how fancy the place was. the first thing i saw were chandeliers and candles and i immediately thought i was underdressed. it turned out everyone was, so it really didn't matter. steph and andrea gave me beautiful flowers and really sweet cards which was a nice surprise. the restaurant served afghan food, which was very different, but very good. we ordered a variety of things from the menu, sampled everything eagerly, and by the end of dinner, were presented with a $200+ check. and guess who didn't have to pay a penny? god, i love being the birthday girl. :)

afterwards, we walked a few blocks to this irish pub called "o'shea's", which completely rocked. i couldn't believe how friendly and enthusiastic everyone was there. the service was incredible and the entertainment was top-notch. there was a comedian/singer performing who played guitar on stage all night and kept the crowd going. he got the entire bar to sing 'happy birthday' to me a couple times and even coerced me into coming up on stage later in the night to recite an irish verse that was more or less like a very complicated tongue twister. it was really fun trying to say that after having several drinks in my system. really, really fun. i actually did very well and according to the applause that followed my performance, i won the contest. then the night got even better. my friend stephen found some guy in the crowd who played guitar and asked him if he'd go up on stage and dedicate a song to me. stephen asked him if he knew any dave matthews material, but unfortunately he didn't. he did, however, play matchbox twenty's "3am" for me! it sounded really good and i was beyond flattered. i went up and hugged him at the end of it and said i've never had anyone, let alone a complete stranger, sing to me. he was a cool guy, a college student in the area who wants to pursue music. he busted out some third eye blind too, which rocked. overall, it was such a great night. the people i work with are so crazy and exciting to be around. they really bring out the best in me. andrea and i hung out quite a bit that night, too, since she went with me back to happy's apartment until 4am and then spent the night at my house. her last day at starbucks was this past thursday and i'm really, really going to miss her. she's helped me so much over the past few weeks and i've come out of my shell quite a bit. i've enjoyed going out with her immensely and we are now dating. yep, she's my girlfriend. i'm trying that out for a while to see if i have better luck. ;)

and last night, my parents took me out to my very favorite restaurant ever, "peerce's plantation". this place is absolutely exquisite...very fancy and expensive. but that's not why i love it. the atmosphere is so beautiful and the food is amazing. it was also really nice getting dressed up and spending some real quality time with my parents. my sister couldn't come so it allowed me to talk and relax with them for a couple hours. i just love my parents to death. i'm so lucky to have such a close relationship with them. my mom, especially, has become a real friend to me over the years.

i opened presents earlier today and got some really nice stuff, including no doubt's "the singles" album and "songs about jane" by maroon 5. listened to both already and i love 'em! i also got a beautiful new wooden jewelry box, a silver locket, and an amazing opal ring. i feel very lucky.

i checked my cell phone after all this and it turned out he called and left a voice mail message. i listened to it of course. he called to wish me a happy birthday (which he didn't really have to do, since he also sent a card) and to say that he wants to meet up with me sometime soon to talk and hopefully smooth things over. after listening to it, i tried not to laugh. he actually thinks i can be friends with him right now?! the whole message was completely absurd to be honest and i'm not calling him back. i am officially in the healing stage right now and to see him or talk to him would be really bad. i know this because yesterday, andrea and i went to target to get film developed and i saw several pictures of him that i forgot i took. they were from our camping trip this summer. when i saw them, i just got all queasy in the stomach and starting tearing up. andrea said she'd get rid of them for me, but i told her not to. i want to keep them, as bizarre as that sounds. he looks really great in them too, which is hard for me to say considering all the pain looking at his face causes me now. so yeah, to meet up with him now would be a mistake. i am on my own and i'm taking care of me. and i like how it feels.

woohoo. 23!

so, it's been a few days since i last wrote. and i'm happy to say i've entered a new stage of the healing process. i can honestly say that i feel a little bit better each day and i've pretty much stopped the crying-myself-to-sleep thing that i was stuck in for 2 weeks. in fact, i haven't shed even one tear in the last 2 days. i've resigned myself to the truth and i'm letting it really sink in.

i think the major reason why i feel slightly better is because i followed my gut and emailed him a few days ago. i came home after work on monday night and i just poured my heart out in an email that took me over an hour to write. it was just something that i felt i needed to do. i felt very unresolved about things; like i didn't get to say all the things that i wanted to. after explaining how crushed and angry i was, i thanked him for everything over the past 2 years and told him i'd always be grateful. my mom said i was too kind, considering how he broke up with me, but that's just the type of person i am. i can't just ignore the great times. it felt really, really great to click 'send', too. after that, i got up, took a shower, and went out with some friends from work. happy john, steph, and i had a really nice time at the movies and out to dinner. it felt so great to laugh and smile and be myself around people that really enjoy my company. i feel like i'm coming around the bend a little and the light is starting to break through again. i am by no means completely healed, but i realize now that this whole thing was quite possibly a blessing in disguise. i'm excited about the future, and though i still have some cynicism and discouragement to shrug off, i know i'll be myself again. i'm a little jaded, but i've come away from this a hell of a lot smarter and secure in who i am.

i guess the initial thing i had to get over was having someone i love say things that weren't true about me. now i've reached the point where i can no longer keep defending myself because i'm exhausted and there's absolutely no point. because you shouldn't have to defend yourself to someone you love, bottom line. they should know you inside and out and not turn on you and disregard all that you've done for them. and that's why i read, then deleted, the email he sent back to me. i really didn't feel like wasting my time continuing to explain myself when the truth is, he really doesn't give a shit about my feelings. i need to spend that effort and energy on myself now, since i am my own best friend these days. i guess when it comes down to it, i've always been my own best friend. all people should be. because if you don't like yourself, no one else will. to be honest, i don't think he could handle me. i'm a very self-assured and confident person. i know what i believe and i follow through with things passionately. i guess i just wasn't passive enough for him. and i definitely wasn't going to bend myself until i fit into his mold. because i would have broken, and i simply won't allow ANYone to do that to me.

i'm really looking forward to this weekend. tomorrow night, the starbuckians are taking me out on the town. the exciting part is, i have no idea where we're going. all i know is we are meeting at the shop at 6pm, i'm being blindfolded and driven to an undisclosed location, and i'm going to be drinking and eating...a lot. should be fun! i'm off both saturday and sunday which i'm really looking forward to. work is killing me right now. let the birthday weekend begin!

(for this song, change 'boy' to 'girl' and you get the point...)

lucky boy by matt nathanson

took your words like you said i should
and look at what good they've done me
i've played support system, you played victim
and look at what good it's done
and you trip me up
leave me standing with your akward, untouchable lips
it's a cruel world, i've found
it's a cruel world, but i'm a lucky boy

you're so glorious, you're a waste of my time
you're the safety in lying
you are radiator heat, you're the winter blankets sleep
you're the excuse that i use when I want to stop trying
and start waiting for the sky to fall
they tell me it's a cruel world that i've found
it's a cruel world and i'm a lucky boy

you're not gold to me
and i was wrong
you're not gold and there'll be
centuries left when you're gone.