so, my desk looks pretty naked at the moment. my laptop is (once again) broken and i'm all out of sorts. i hate that i've become so attached to a piece of technology. i hate being laptopless. (ha. that sounds dirty.)

anyway, it crashed (ironically) while i was in the middle of a very crucial IM conversation with jeff. he was finally opening up about our situation. basically, what i knew would happen, happened. he said he didn't think we were headed in a romantic direction, and that although on paper we are very well matched, he didn't feel it would work for some reason. he did say that his male friends liked me a lot though and thought he was being an idiot for not pursuing anything. that just figures. the friends always like me. heh. but yeah, it's all for the best. i had my doubts about us too and i'm just glad that everything is out in the open now. we're on good terms and we still talk. the whole fallout only hurt for a little while. i picked myself back up in no time.

and now i'm off for the next 2 days, which i'm hoping will be just as beautiful and sunny as today. my goal: to finish my 900 page book ASAP. i'm almost there!

so. i feel compelled to write. forgive me if my thoughts don't flow coherently. i'm a little scatterbrained.

the past few days, i've been a little down. nothing in particular has happened, nothing concretely bad or good, just the status quo. i'm just bored and a little disappointed with things.

it turns out that this thing (whatever it is) with jeff isn't going anywhere. after the first 2 dates, we hung out a few more times and each time it became clearer to me that he was taking this "thing" very casually. at first, i thought that was a good thing, since i don't want to be jumping head first into anything serious. but now i realize that i can't stand not knowing what's going on and being treated so casually. for instance, friday he said if anything was going on this weekend, he'd call me to hang out. of course, being someone who hangs on words, i kept my cell phone near me all day, hoping that he'd call. he didn't. i wound up going out that night with my family anyway, but i just don't like not knowing where i stand with someone or even what they think of me. he hasn't made one comment one way or the other as to how he feels about me or where this thing is going, so i'm left clueless. that's fine if he doesn't like me that way, or isn't interested in pursuing something...but just TELL me. don't string me along, man. don't talk to me online everyday and dangle the possibility of seeing you in front of my face and expect me to just wait around. that's not how erin operates. one of his best friends told me that at some point, jeff puts walls up in relationships because he doesn't know how to pursue things. whatever. i sure as hell don't have the time, energy, or desire to break down ANYone's walls. i can't deal with other people's intimacy issues anymore. i simply don't have it in me.

so things are now sort of weird. i mean, i'm sure we'll keep talking here and there, but i'm not about to make any moves. if he wants to see me again, he can make the effort. i've officially surrendered as the pursuer of relationships. if people want to get to know me, they can come to me. i know that sounds like something a bitter person would say, but so be it. i'm worth the chase, man. and if no one bothers, that's their loss. i'm fine being by myself. i'm really sick of trying and i'd rather be alone to be completely honest. an old wallflowers song "i wish i felt nothing" comes to mind here...
say when you're alone
it's better 'cause nobody knows you
when no one's your friend
it's better 'cause nobody leaves you
so you turned your back
on a world that you could never have
'cause your heart's been cracked
and everyone else's is goin' mad...

anyway, so that's the situation. it's strange because i really feel different about dating and relationships now. though i do get excited about meeting new people, i don't get quite *as* excited as i used to. maybe it's the realism of adulthood setting in. all i know is i've lost a bit of my idealism and my hope. i still have plenty of faith in love--i'll never lose that--but the luster of it has been dulled for the time being. just once i'd like to meet a guy who doesn't let me down in some way. blah.

i've been really obsessed with alanis morissette lately. for months, i've been listening to "supposed former infatuation junkie" and now i know practically every song by heart. i bought her mtv unplugged live album too, which has a beautiful version of "unsent" on it. and today, i just got "jagged little pill" in the mail. i know, most people had that album in middle school, but whatever. i'm a late bloomer, what can i say? i can't believe i used to hate her. and when i say hate, i mean HATE. i couldn't stand alanis when she was popular. now i can't get enough of her. have you heard her new song, "everything"? wow, so beautiful. i like how her music's changed over the years. she seems to be in a really positive places right now and her lyrics reflect that.

all i feel like doing these days is locking myself in my room and reading. i want to shut out everyone for a little while and just take a break. i am going on vacation in mid-june, which should be nice. but right now, that's too far away.

i'm going skydiving in may; it's going to be me and a bunch of people from work. i'm terrified and incredibly thrilled all at the same time. this is really something that i need to do. i'm looking forward to conquering this feat--and ultimately conquering and challenging myself. i've always wanted to, but now that we are close to setting a date, it's starting to set in. we have a flier up at work, announcing it to everyone and it's happening without a doubt. i'm planning on calling everyone i know after i land. i'm sure i'll be screaming and talking really fast about how amazing it was. but what i really can't wait for is for people to ask me about my day...
me: "so, how was your day?"
them: "oh, it was alright. you know, got up, went to work, came home. the usual. how about you?"
me: "oh. well i jumped out of a plane....it was GREAT!"

i bet everything else pales in comparison. for once, i will have a better day than 99.9% of the population. I CANNOT WAIT.

this is so cool! thanks, shayna.

I am like Troy. -- "PHD, MBA, BA, to me it's all BS. Street smarts are where it's at."

Troy was Versacorp's Project Manager for the Lemonade Challenge, Protege's Project Manager for the Real Estate Challenge, the Pedicab Challenge and the High Rise Rental Challenge.
Which Apprentice are You?

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

(thanks for this, mandie.)

i haven't had much to say lately because there really isn't much happening. right this second, i'm tired. in fact, i've been tired a lot lately...i suppose because of the rainy weather and not sleeping as soundly as usual. work is still work and i'm starting to get a bit fed up with the whole corporate aspect of starbucks. i was in d.c. on saturday and they have the cutest, most artistic and unique looking coffee houses that i've ever seen. these places have such character; they are independently owned, so therefore they aren't subject to assinine corporate rules and other business oriented bullshit. they don't have to ask permission to display local artists' artwork on their walls; they don't sell premade drink mixes with patented names that have become so generic, you can get them in a drugstore; and most importantly, they don't have corporate bigwigs come in and do drink testings on the lattes. they just make lattes and that's it. no stupid rules, no strict weight and temperature scales, no black and white we-draw-the-line-here type stuff. these coffee shops are REAL coffee shops. they're diverse and open-minded and truly connected to the community surrounding them. the people that hang out there aren't worried about rushing off to work in their range rovers or bmw's. the coffee these people drink isn't an indication of their social status or how much money they make. small coffee houses are about quality drinks, personalization, community, and freedom of expression. i'm slowly realizing that corporations like starbucks aren't about that. when i said i've always wanted to work in a coffee shop, i was talking about ones like this. you should see this place...it's amazing. the front window panes are totally open, so the chairs and sofas spill out onto the street. there is a huge pastry case and fresh fruit stand near the front counter. they feature live musical performances on a regular basis and they have a complete wireless internet center hooked up. it's just so quaint and appealing...and i noticed that by simply walking by. i'd really love to work in a place more like that.

...but not to say i'm unhappy at work or anything. i'm doing just fine for now, enjoying the time spent with my wonderful co-workers. they are really the reason i've stayed there for so long. they are my friends and the people i see more than my own family these days. i practically live at work. when i'm not behind the counter, i'm hanging out there or meeting up with co-workers to go out. that particular shop has become a huge part of my life and increased my social life tremendously. so, i'm grateful for that and most days, i like my job. but i think this summer might be the time to start looking elsewhere...

so, date #2 went very well last night. jeff and i (finally) went to see "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" and i loved every second of it. it is as amazing as everyone and their mom has told me it would be. i could not believe how flawless jim carrey and kate winslet's performances were. it is simply a mind-bending, extraordinarily gorgeous film. my head hurt after i left the theatre. but in such a good way.

i think what i loved most about it was the moral of the story....that no matter how a romantic relationship ends, we never really want to completely forget the person and most likely, we would go through it all again just to experience the good times. because it's worth going through the bad if, even for a moment, we get to feel what true love is. and no matter what happens to our hearts, they always repair themselves and we move on and do it all again...

...like i am now.

it's friday morning and i should be at work. but alas, i gave up my 8-4 shift to help close tonight. which means i don't go in until 3:15. the only reason i agreed to switch shifts in the first place is because john is closing tonight and i can't say no to him. i just can't. it's getting to the point where my crush on him is just ridiculous.

i won't really elaborate on it because there's no point. he keeps talking about how he wants to be out of there by july and i keep saying that when he leaves, i'm leaving. which is true, because the idea of working there without someone as fun as him makes me sad. i told him i'm worried about what i'll do when one of us leaves. knowing me, i'll go in the bathroom and try to hide the fact that i'm choked up.

he's told me that he'd "scoop me up in a minute" if he wasn't with someone.
he's told me that anyone would be lucky to have me because i'm such a catch.
he's looked at me during quiet moments at work in a way that no one ever has.
he's told me that we must have known each other in a past life and that we have the rest of our lives to hang out.
he changes the work schedules around so we can work together or hang out afterwards.
he's wonderful and sometimes i just let the thought of being with him get the best of me.