on my breaks at work, i often sit out in the cafe and watch people as they come in for coffee. today, i was sitting at my favorite table by the window and i noticed this little boy who had wandered away from his mother. the mother wasn't far off; she was just deciding on whatever dessert or lunch item to buy--but the little kid was teetering around, looking at everything that, i assume, seemed so big and so glorious to him. watching this was touching, because not only do i genuinely enjoy watching people, but i especially love watching children explore their environment. what wasn't so pleasant was watching this other woman standing in-line as she completely went out of her way to ignore this adorable child. i mean, the kid was stumbling all over the place, nearly directly in her path, and she didn't even glance down to smile or acknowledge him. she just stood there looking pretty and business-like in her highheels with a removed, distant expression on her face. i couldn't believe it. i waited and waited, staring at her intently trying to figure out what she must be thinking, and if she'd break down and say hello. but sadly, nothing. i understand that not everyone fawns over children like myself and i accept that. but this little boy was just plain adorable and watching him lifted me up a bit.

i suppose what bothers me most is that a lot of people ignore or simply aren't affected by the genuine excitement and curiousity of kids. i always have been, so i don't know how to be any other way. i've always walked away from experiences like that feeling enlightened somehow, like i had just seen purity at its finest. i know i can't change people, but i feel like i get more out of daily life somehow by simply paying attention to my surroundings and allowing every part of them to seep in.

today was the first day in over a week that i didn't feel heavy with worry or anguish. it was really nice actually. we all know i've been a bit emotional lately, so when i get a break from that sometimes, i really revel in it. it's hard to explain, but i seemed to experience a shift in attitude today or something. i can't tell whether this is just a 24 hour thing, or whether i'm just making more of a conscious effort to lighten up and roll with the punches. all i know is it's nice not to feel so tightly wound. i think it might be a perspective thing, actually. i mean, we all have our own assortment of daily struggles, but my life could be a hell of a lot worse. i've always been one to see the grass as green enough on my side. i know i'm lucky in many ways and sometimes i get tired of my internal whining. things will work out in the end. they have to, i think. (someone remind me i thought this when i get down on myself again, ok?)

on a side note, i just want to say in writing how wonderful mike is. i know he reads this, but that's not why i'm writing it. basically, i just want everyone to know what i have known for a while...which is that he is an absolute exceptional person to talk to in times of despair or to laugh with in times of joy. because we spend so much time together and because he's been the #1 person next to me through all this stuff lately, i think my opinion of him is pretty accurate. it's nice dating your best friend. you all should try to hook that up if you can. :)

we (aka mike, mike, laurie, and i) went miniature golfing in strasburg, PA this weekend. i sucked royally, which is odd for me because i can actually get really into mini-golf. i think it was because the course was ultra-hard and i was letting the funk i was in get the best of me. i hate when i do that. i absolutely fricking despise when i cannot control my emotions and allow it to ruin a portion of my day off with friends. i beat myself up over that more than you know. anyway, despite the fact that i lost, i really did like the place a lot and want to go back. i think i could do much better next time. it was just a really long week.

i find it strange that i haven't bought the new DMB album yet. the old erin would have rushed out and bought the CD on the day it was released...but then again the old band used to rock. i don't know why i feel like such a traitor for saying this, but i'm just not all that excited about the band anymore. i credit them for getting me into music and i still plan on going to their concerts, but i just don't feel them like i used to. it's kind of disillusioning. maybe they will eventually go back to the way they used to be. and maybe i'm wrong, and just falsely pre-judging the new album before buying it. all i know is, i don't like the first single at all. not one bit. and i find it funny that starbucks is not only selling the album, but playing DMB music in the store now...just when i'm starting to get bored with it. ugh. go figure.

i have felt for a while now that my life exists in two distinct halves. i suppose that's normal, being that i'm 24 and in a very transitory stage, but lately i'm really struggling with it. 50% of me feels grown up and restless, trying to take the next leap into the "adult" segment of my life. but there is still that 50% of me that feels insecure and a bit frightened about everything ahead of me. i know i've talked around this issue before and discussed how i'm feeling, but it's something that is continuing to weigh me down. there are days i feel less stuck and confused than others, but for the most part, i'm very unresolved. i think i'm more sad than happy, even though i have a handful of things that make me smile. i just do not feel entirely good lately and i don't know when i will. that's not to say i expect to ever feel 100% perfect, but i'm tired of feeling less than great.

of course, i know that a great deal of this anxiety and sadness stems from my family's situation. i know that living at home and being surrounded by it isn't helping, but at the same time, i feel more needed here than ever. i just don't know when things are going to be back on any sort of sensible track again. i've never felt so unsure or unstable about the future before. i worry a lot. i cry at the drop of a hat. i'm restless and tired and caught in between thoughts. my mind can't hold everything i'm thinking. my weekends are fun-filled and satisfying, while my weeks are exhausting and worry laden. i'm trying to balance everything and think about myself and what i need and want...but that's so hard when i'm so worried about my parents.

i really hate focusing on all this. i really, really do.

on the upside, i just bought my ticket to california. i leave on june 14th and i'll be gone for a week. i took 8 days off of work and I CANNOT WAIT. i've never needed to get away more than i do now, and what better place than california, right? it will be great to get far away for a while and clear my head. i've never flown alone before and i'm kinda looking forward to it. i need a change of environment and it will be wonderful to spend some quality time with marissa.

i feel like i'm swinging on a very flimsy pendulum, rocking between anticipation and dread. there's really no other way to put it.

tonight, i am taking my mom out on a date. i figured that quality time spent one on one would be a nice present for mother's day. it'll be just the two of us. we're headed to the movies and then out to dinner.

i've always believed that mother's day is such a special holiday. i'm very fortunate to have a very close relationship with my mom and was raised to appreciate the dedication and importance of motherhood. it is a job that i greatly respect and marvel at. i can't wait to be a mom one day. in fact, it is the only thing i have ever really known, deep in my heart, that i wanted to do.

when i first read this essay on motherhood, i cried. it explains my point-of-view so precisely, that i want to make copies and give it to any and every person i meet for the rest of my life. i really think it's worth reading and passing on.

"I'm in awe of good mothers--those heroines all around me who sacrifice daily out of love for their children. In our society, we give motherhood plenty of lip service. We pat moms on the head, bring them flowers on Mother's Day, and honor them before crowds. But at the end of the day, we don't extend them the same respect we would a professor, a dentist, an accountant, or a judge. Women who choose full-time mothering are often put in a box by their friends and former colleagues--a container labeled JUST A MOM.

I believe the choice to become a mother is the choice to become one of the greatest spiritual teachers there is. To create an environment that's stimulating and nurturing, to pass on a sense of responsibility to another human being, to raise a child who understands that he or she is created from good and is capable of anything--I know for sure that few callings are more honorable. To play down mothering as small is to crack the very foundation on which greatness stands.

The world can only value mothering to the extent that women everywhere stand and declare that it must be so. In our hands, we hold the power to transform the perception of motherhood. Whether we decide to work full-time while raising children, stay home with our kids, or bear no children at all, we need to understand that any put-down of the decision to mother is a threat to women's choices everywhere. We should no longer allow a mother to be defined as "just a mom." It is on her back that great nations are built. We should no longer allow any woman's voice to be drowned out or disregarded. As we affirm other women, and as we teach our sons, husbands, and friends to hold them in the highest regard, we honor both the mothers whose shoulders we've stood on and the daughters who will one day stand tall on ours.

In May--and every other month of the year--I honor and thank every great spiritual teacher who goes by the name of Mother." (Oprah Winfrey, 2003)

1. i just took the most amazing shower. there's something about standing under really warm, powerful water after a long day. ugh, my back is thanking me.

2. for whatever reason, i've been quite irritable today. i was real quiet at work and just wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone. this factor makes #3 on the list sort of ironic.

3. i was asked out by a total stranger at work. this marks the 2nd time during my employment at starbucks that some random person has asked me out. and we all know what happened the first time. if you want a refresher, read back through february 2004 in the archives. oh, and this dude ALSO asked me out for coffee. does anyone pay attention to where i work?! gosh!

4. i'm starting to get really tired of people who won't take a hint. you know the type: no matter how many metaphorical red flags you hold up, they STILL don't get it. i know i'm being vague here, but just go with it. point is, if i don't want to be your friend, just learn to deal with it.

5. i love brian roberts. i find it absolutely adorable when he wears his glove on his head during the infield hand-jive after the team wins. *sigh*

6. i learned this weekend that i do not, indeed, miss spending countless hours shooting a film outdoors in the rain and cold. i did this enough in college. i'm so over the production stage. pre-production is SO much more my thing.

7. i'm starting to get annoyed with my hair. i'm thinking about changing it, aka cutting a bunch of it off. oh, don't be so shocked. you all know this is my pattern! (of course i've been saying this for a while now. i'm sure i'll change my mind again.)

8. i watched family guy for the first time last night. yes, i know i'm behind the times. anyway, i really like it and i want to watch more. i think i like brian the best.

9. on a more serious note, i don't think i've been eating right these past few months. i'm making more of a conscious effort to eat 3 meals a day, but it's just so hard with my whacked out work schedule and busy life. i know that's a piss poor excuse, but i really need to get it together. i'm tired of lacking energy and feeling weird in the tummy. maybe i should start taking vitamins, or sumpthin'.

10. i don't have a number 10. and for that, i suck. ;)