and so the xmas season is once again quickly approaching. i do not have ANY shopping done as of now, but have made the decision to utilize each of my days off from now until xmas to get organized. so, tomorrow is day #1. i will buy atleast one SOMEthing for SOMEone. (i hope.)

i've been busy lately. i really look forward to my weekends...mostly because i get to spend quality time with mike and/or other friends. the past couple weekends have been especially fun because they involved trips up to PA for a variety of activities. last saturday, we hung out in gettysburg with my VJC friends and went on a ghost tour through the town. this past weekend, we went to the movies and out to dinner on friday, then spend most of the day saturday in hershey at a hockey game. i love that when i get home on sunday night, i feel i've had a fulfilling weekend spent with someone i really care about and who understands me better than most anyone. my work schedule during the week is so weird and hectic, so i find myself counting down to my weekends ferociously. only 4 days left...

there was a time not too long ago when i felt like i really didn't have too many friends. in college, i had a core group of people i hung out with (and still see whenever i can) but other than that, i didn't used to feel social. it wasn't that i minded staying home or going out infrequently; i was used to it. parties and social activities were more of a treat for me. but in the past year, things have really changed. on the drive home last wednesday, i was thinking about this. these days, i'm hardly ever home. when i am, i'm either sleeping or resting from work, or changing my clothes and rushing out the door. it's not uncommon for me to make plans spur of the moment or stay out late even when i have to work early the next day. i'm always busy on friday and saturday nights. i talk to a lot of people. i KNOW a lot of people. i get invited to things often. i have a nice list of numbers in my cell phone. i have a real solid friendship base and i'm integrating people from mike's social circle into mine. but nonetheless, it still feels like i'm always spinning and giving and doing and pushing and talking and moving...and it's tiresome. but i love it, anyway. i feel like i'm really enjoying my life when i'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off. really, i do.

anyway, that's just something i've been thinking about. how much my life--both the people in it and the quality of it--has shifted so dramatically in the past year. that's something i've always pondered, i guess. i tend to look back frequently to where i was this time last week, last month, or last year. i think about the cyclical nature of things, how people enter and exit my world. i think about time...and how it often seems to be going so slowly, but then i wake up and it's almost xmas again. i think about my progress (have i made any?) and what that even means. i take comfort in the idea of standing still for a little while, but that idea also terrifies me. i debate the importance of constant movement and forward motion and progression. i relish idleness, but i feel better when i've completed tasks. i think about my days and how they are just little, uncertain chunks of time that keep adding up and becoming my life. i think about the potential in any given day for something life-altering to happen. i think about repetition and monotony and how it is equally comforting and suffocating. i've concluded that my interpersonal relationships are really what's most important to me.

i took my brother's wise advice and decided to order this book. i started browsing inside it online and this excerpt in particular jumped out at me. i AM this girl described below. it's kinda creepy, but in a reassuring i'm-not-the-only-one-who-feels-like-this way...

Lindsay, a 26-year old, who lives in San Francisco, says the title of this chapter particularly resonated with her because it seems like everyone but her knows exactly what they are doing. "While I feel like I've known for a while who I am, I do not know how to translate this into a job or career. Traveling abroad has made me realize that here in the United States, when someone asks a stranger 'What do you do?', 'do' usually refers to a job and doesn't have anything to do with whether the person dances, is an activist on the side, has a family, takes classes, paints, and so on. So, the question of what will I 'do' with my life has been plaguing me since graduation. I have always known things I like to do (such as working directly with people, often kids, often from another country or background), but never has one career, or even a job, jumped out at me as being the obvious vessel for my passions. I have never felt I fit into any particular career mold. Career services at my school didn't help me either--it was very difficult to find anything that wasn't corporate or graduate school. I used to always think (and for the most part I still do) that one day it would all suddenly gel--that what I am passionate about and love to do would turn out to be my job...or that I would come across a job that I would instantly know that was for me. After two years and the fact that I am moving onto my third job (I don't know what yet), I am beginning to get restless and at times frustrated. I often ask myself (even though part of me knows it is not true): how come everyone else around me knows what they want to do?"

well, the halloween pictures are finally here. i condensed them into a little album over there on the righthand side...so enjoy. i think some of them really turned out great. prepare to laugh.

oh, and while you're at it, check out the maine and CT album again. i've added a few more photos from my camera...

sometimes when i'm at work really early in the morning and everyone is rushing around and continuous urns of coffee are being filled and emptied, i get this weird, unsettling, slightly dizzy feeling in my head...like i'm operating on auto-pilot and floating through this sort of espresso-laced haze. i'm really tired and everywhere i turn everything smells like coffee beans and i'm greeting the same customer that i greeted yesterday at approximately this time. everything is monotonous and redundant. people are predictable and scripted. i'm feeling nauseous and haggard and completely unsatisfied doing what i'm doing. i wish i was at home in my warm bed, under my tightly tucked sheets, with my head resting instead of spinning.

i greet and i ring and i pour and thank and i greet and i ring and i pour and i thank and i greet and i ring and i pour and i thank. over and over again until my surroundings start to blur and i forget what it is i am really doing and why i got up so awfully early. i am a coffee robot.

i look around me and keep doing the same things over and over again. restock the cups. wipe the counter. condense the muffins. fill the sugar dispenser. open the milk...pour the milk...steam the milk. and it all just starts making me feel like crap. i want to be doing something new and non-repetitive. i want to stop having the same conversations with the same people every single day. i want my boss to stop getting on my case about the DUMBEST LITTLE THINGS. i want to untie my apron and put on a smock and grab a pencil and draw. i want to make coffee *knowing* that i won't have to do it much longer.

this was my morning.

so i have been yearning to do something--anything--creative lately. i went to the craft store on my day off this week and bought some cool beads and rhinestones to glue onto this new purse i bought. i've been thinking about getting back into jewelry-making too. i used to do that a lot, when i was younger. i really think that i could sell the things i make, if i set my mind to it.

part of my desire to be artistic lately is because i really want to get back into a hobby that is entirely self-gratifying and rewarding. i feel i should always have an outlet where i can express myself--an activity that i can wrap myself up in when i want to be alone. i miss doing creative projects just for the sake of doing them. i miss feeling like an artist.

it's made me sad lately that i don't feel like an artist anymore. i guess if you're artistic, you are always thought to be...but i think that if you aren't actively participating in it, then what's the point? i used to be really into drawing and collaging. i could sit for hours in my summers off from school and sketch and cut random clippings from magazines and create posters. i have 3 separate collages in my room now and when i look at them, i'm reminded of how fun it was to make them. i used to get such a charge from that...from creating. i've thought about enrolling in some art class or something just to get inspired again. i've even been juggling the idea of getting certified to teach art to kids or something. who knows if that will ever happen, though.

to be perfectly frank, ever since college ended, i haven't felt inspired. and it's not like i still don't have all that creative energy in me, either. because i still do...and that's what makes me more upset. the fact that it's still there, lingering inside of me, buried deep in me and only brought to the surface on fleeting occasions, like when i watch movies like "eternal sunshine...". the thing is, i LIKE that part of myself...so to think i've somehow misplaced it is disheartening. i remember being so charged up when i was making my senior documentary over a year ago. i have never felt more involved or more proud of something i've created and though that feeling lingered for a while, it's not enough now. i need to get that rush again; that intense feeling where i know that i created this and that it says something about me.

i look for inspiration and creative fuel everywhere...in the music i listen to, in the small amount of t.v. i watch, in the people i surround myself with. i expect these things and these people to serve as catalysts; for them to eventually push me to the brink of creation and the ultimate artistic experience. it's sad that instead of creating on my own, i drown myself in other creators.

i have this illusion of myself, or rather this ideal version of me, where i am perpetually creating art (in some form) and living my life artistically. nothing i surrounded myself with would be boring or unnecessary. every article of clothing i wore would be uniquely thought-out and flattering. i would see beauty everywhere and not be able to resist picking up a journal, a sketchbook, or my laptop everytime i was inspired. art in its various forms would pour out of me and i would be surrounded by the literal manifestations of my thoughts. i would write in my journal EVERY day, no excuses, and be completely uncensored. my glasses would remain on at all times...not just when i need them to drive. i would wear homemade scarves and carry around a big leather portfolio (or even just a spiral notebook) so that in a moment's notice, i could draw or write or preserve whatever i wanted. i would ALWAYS have a camera on hand...not necessarily my manual...and there would definitely be extra film in my car for those times when everyone around me wishes *someone* had a camera. i would always be writing something. several short stories and poems would be committed to paper, and though they would continually be in a state of revision, i would have something to show people when they asked about my writing style. most importantly, i would lay my head on the pillow at night knowing that, once again, my day had been spent creatively and purposefully...and that i was that much closer to understanding, and leaving behind a record of, myself.

i strongly suggest that everyone read this. it's serious business, man. glad someone *finally* clarified the rules...

Which Scrubs Character are You?

i don't know what's cooler...the fact that i'm J.D or that he's represented here in south park form. hee hee.