i am tired. my lids are heavy and i am winding down for the day.

i want to have a baby. not now of course, but in the near future. as in the next few years. if i can wait that long.

i have virtually no tolerance for rude people. there is this one mother in the carpool line at school who barely acknowledges my existence when i take her child out of the car, no matter how overly friendly i am. it's infuriating.

i wish that i knew how to live more in the present moment and not rush through things. i may not always be cognizant of it, but it seems to be an unhealthy pattern. i look forward to weekends more than i should. on sundays, all i can think about is how it is almost monday morning.

i hate the taste of coconut. but oddly enough, i like the smell of it.

i fear losing the people that i love the most in this world. it's daunting to think about how swiftly this could happen. it's also daunting to think about trying to cope with it.

i hear crappy 80's soundtrack music playing during a montage scene in "don't tell mom the babysitter's dead". yes, i'm watching it.

i search for ways to not allow people's negativity to permeate my life. i search for ways to remain myself [generally energetic and happy] in the midst of cynicism and bitterness.

i wonder if my mom will ever be genuinely happy again someday...

i regret any time that i wasted worrying about something silly and ultimately insignificant.

i love fridays. the tail-end of the work day leading into the weekend is my favorite time of the week. although it usually flies by, i look at the weekend as the time for me to really enjoy myself and relax.

i ache whenever i see my mother cry.

i always put a little butter on my macaroni before i stir the cheese in.

i usually get into bed about a half hour before i actually intend to fall asleep, just to ease into a peaceful rest. sometimes i read or channel surf to pass the time.

i am not friends with anyone i knew in highschool. there isn't anyone in particular that i would want to talk to, but the idea of knowing someone from that time in my life is appealing. i don't have any friendships that stretch back any further than college, but it must be nice for some people who do.

i dance a little bit every day...in some form or another. it's usually in spontaneous spurts when no one is around, and while i think i look amazing, i'm sure in reality i look supremely dorky.

i sing outloud in the car every single day on the way to work. who doesn't?

i never skip breakfast. it's essential to my morning routine.

i rarely floss my teeth. although i think i should start doing it on a more regular basis. of course i've been saying that for years now. stupid time, passing so quickly.

i cry whenever i think about my wedding. imagine the waterfall on the actual day.

i am not always kind to myself. it's something i'm working on every day.

i lose every ounce of tolerance in my body when i am uncomfortably hot. myrtle beach, 2005. that is all i am going to say.

i'm confused about the seemingly inevitable truth that 'good' people often get the short end of the stick. i will never comprehend it.

i need to figure out my feelings about my father. this ambivalence is crippling.

i should go to bed now.

i'm quite excited for the latest zach braff flick, opening tomorrow. so excited in fact, that i'm reprinting the poster for it here. i rather fancy black & white photos of cute boys looking equally troubled AND tender. it's a nice combination.

i've been meaning to write recently but as usual, i've gotten caught up in things--tangled in ideas and thoughts to the point where i'd rather talk than write. in any case, i've been quite busy and rather tired every day after work. school is back, and everything is in full swing once again. we have a relatively small class as of now, which is wonderful because it gives me the chance to work with the children one-on-one and really get to know all of the personalities in the room. i feel such a sense of accomplishment since last year, especially when i look back and compare my state of mind from then to now. i'm still learning, but i feel myself growing as a teacher and i'm not as scared as i used to be. my patience level has sky-rocketed, which is something i am quite proud of because i know it will be crucial when i have children of my own. as stressful and challenging as this job can be at times, i feel i am learning such valuable life lessons along the way and i honestly believe i'm becoming a better person. i'm calmer, more rational, and more gentle. i take more pleasure than i ever have in the little accomplishments in life. i communicate better and feel more comfortable with not knowing all the answers. but as i said, patience is the number one thing i've taken away from all this. it truly is a virtue.

i've been thinking a lot lately about the power people have to make us feel a certain way. there are several people in different areas of my life right now whom i feel incite very specific emotions within me and i've noticed a common thread between them. in every case it is ME who is allowing them to trigger a reaction; i know full well how these people make me feel and i notice the pattern, yet i continue to let it consume me to the point where i cannot enjoy my own personal time. most of the time, i agree with people who argue that you can't change your emotions--that things are the way they are and your heart just reacts to the information it's given. but i've come to realize that it doesn't have to be that way all of the time; in some cases (and in ALL of my relationships) we can control how we react to these people. i look at it like a science experiment. the person who is troubling you is the constant; you've learned from past experience that they consistently disappoint you. you, on the other hand, are the variable in the sense that you have the ability to adjust your attitude and, more importantly, your approach to this person in order to either get along with them better, or salvage your own peace of mind. it's not an easy idea to grasp or apply to your daily life, but it's something that i'm definitely working on. the only person that i can control completely is myself and if i want to co-exist and flourish alongside others who may not share the same ideals, i need to be adaptable and not take things so personally. if other people want to be miserable or flaky or irresponsible or rude or uncompassionate or close-minded, there is nothing i can do about it. when my head hits the pillow, i need to be satisfied with me.

on a completely different note, our basement is now burgandy. it took ALL DAY SATURDAY to complete the painting project, but it feels great to have finally tackled it. mike is all excited now because he can finally display his sports memorobilia, which until now has been sitting in boxes because i didn't want any of it in the living room. some people would call me mean for not including it in the main-floor ensemble, but then some people would be wrong. so there.