it's so gray outside today. the clouds are hanging heavy like the lids of a tired man and everywhere i look i see exhausted and worn faces.

i haven't heard much good news lately. it seems like very disappointing things are happening to the various people around me. it's like some sort of conspiracy of despair that's rained down all around. the color has been drained out of things; the world is awash with muted pastels and negativity. the ironic part is that it's officially spring, a time when things are supposed to be flourishing. it doesn't feel like that now though. i haven't seen growth or vibrance anywhere lately...just brick walls.

it was slow at work this afternoon...so slow that i actually had time to talk to stephen over the bar as i made lattes. we talked for close to 2 hours. stephen is so great. we've been friends for almost 2 years now and had so many insightful conversations that i consider him a true confidante. i told him about my family situation yesterday, and he called and left me a really heartfelt message on my phone and then stopped by work today to talk. i can't tell you (or him) how much his concern and empathy meant to me. it's funny, 'cause people see stephen as this playboy type...the total party guy/ladies man. and he is those things and one hell of a guy to hang out with. but he's also so much more and he has a really big heart. he said some things today that made me feel better. he reminded me that nothing in life is permanent, but that we grow and become better people in times of adversity. life is a balance and we must take the bad with the good, because there is always good to be found. we laughed at how trite it sounded, but for some reason, i really believed him. i could see that he understood my frustration and sadness and wasn't just feeding me insincere lines to soothe it. and the funny thing is, i was at work and couldn't really sit down and talk to him, but was able to get so much from our somewhat distracted conversation. point is, i had a nice talk with a friend today. and it made me want to talk to all my close friends who i don't see enough. it made me miss them.

it's a gorgeous spring day outside and i'm sitting in my room in front of my laptop. i'm one sad individual. would someone like to go outside and play?

Name 4 books on your bookshelf:
4. the catcher in the rye, by j.d. salinger
3. the frog king, by adam davies
2. she's come undone, by wally lamb
1. wuthering heights, by emily bronte

Name 4 DVDs in your collection:
4. buffy the vampire slayer (the movie, fools. not the series)
3. felicity, seasons 1-4. this show is my one obsession in life next to dessert.
2. saved
1. garden state

Name 4 things on your walls:
4. a quote collage i made from scratch, featuring inspirational words cut out from magazines.
3. a watercolor painting of a field, that i made in 5th grade.
2. a pastel re-print drawing of mr. dave matthews.
1. my sky diving certificate.

Name 4 things in your closet:
4. a huge, towering pile of purses.
3. a clear plastic bag filled with pantyhose. ha, i almost spelled it pantyHOES. ;)
2. a set of conair hot rollers.
1. a bag of bathing suits.

Name 4 artists in your music collection (playlist or other):
4. matt nathanson
3. beck
2. alanis morissette
1. better than ezra

Name 4 real life stores you shop at regularly:
4. target
3. giant
2. best buy
1. target (did i mention that enough?)

Name 4 animals that you've come face-to-face with in real life:
4. a tortoise
3. a boa constrictor
2. a goldfish
1. a pony

Name 4 things in your wallet/purse:
4. a hershey bears bic marker.
3. a little bag of lipgloss and a compact.
2. my glasses.
1. my cellphone.

everyone knows i have a slight love for the man we call zach braff. what can i say--i love smart, dorky, funny men. it's no secret really. i watch 'scrubs' religiously, i was completely and utterly obsessed with garden state to the point where i bought the soundtrack and listened to it on repeat for weeks. hell, i'm even going to buy this shirt eventually. anyway, i also read his blog on a weekly basis, and it turns out zach just got punk'd! how sweet is that? i will be watching this episode and i will be loving it. and so should you.

well, this past weekend was pretty eventful. saturday afternoon was gorgeous, so mike and i decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. we explored this little cemetary across from his apartment complex (which i never even noticed was there before) and then stumbled across a pretty cool playground. it's kind of strange going from something as morbid as a graveyard to something as lighthearted as a playground, but whatever. we swung on swings and slid on slides...it was delightful. i felt like a little kid for a while. then we went and got slurpees at 7-11. can you even imagine a more perfect afternoon?

saturday night was spent at jason's, letting loose and drinking. i really needed it and it felt good to laugh with friends over silly things. much fun was had by all and some goofy pictures were taken to document the evening. there's one in particular i want to show you...i just need to get it from jason. so give it, dude.

finally, sunday was spent in hershey. mike and i went up there with 4 college girls (including my sister and his cousin) where we enjoyed chocolate world and went to the hockey game. considering there were 5 women in attendance, much oggling of hockey players occured. the pictures above were taken afterwards at "meet the players night", something that i initially complained about attending because of the long line to get on the ice. but, oh was it worth it because i got to meet my favorite player, johnny boychuk. his line was pretty long and at first, i wasn't planning on getting in it...but after seeing his beautiful mug, i couldn't resist. oh man is he a looker. the second pic is of me and mike with coco, the bears mascot. i'm really glad this one turned out so great because i had been talking about getting one of us with coco for a little while now. i think we're cute.

alright, that's all. i'm pretty impressed that i figured out how to finally post pictures on here, by the way. notice you can click on them to enlarge the image. cool huh?

1 MINUTE AGO: checking my email.

1 DAY AGO: hanging out with 2 girl friends from work, marissa and cecilia, at IHOP.

1 WEEK AGO: going to work and looking forward to the weekend.

1 YEAR AGO: hanging out with happy john and stephen in fells point, celebrating st. pattie's day.

I HURT: the middle finger on my right hand. i somehow cut myself on something sharp today at work.

I LOVE: my boyfriend and mozzarella sticks.

I HATE: feeling helpless.

I FEAR: that i won't be able to conquer my fears.

I HOPE: my mother comes out of this disaster a better, stronger, and happier person.

I FEEL: mentally drained.

I LISTEN: to better than ezra.

I HIDE: nothing, really.

I DRIVE: a 2001 hyundai accent (coastal blue).

I PLAY: old-skool nintendo games with my boyfriend.

I MISS: the way things used to be...

I LEARNED: to speak up when i'm upset.

I KNOW: that sometimes you have to lean on other people to get by.

I WAIT: for things to get better.

I NEED: a really long vacation to clear my head; a new job.

Current Clothes: running shorts and a t-shirt.

Current Mood: scattered.

Current Music: t.v. in the background.

Current Taste: nothing...i'm about to eat waffles.

Current Hair: messy ponytail.

Current Annoyance: being scrutinized at work by people that drive me insane on a daily basis.

Current Smell: coffee in my hair and on my skin.

Current thing: about to take a shower.

Current Desktop Picture: funny picture of the 'scrubs' cast.

Current Favorite bands/singers: the usual--david gray, better than ezra, alanis, moby, beck.

Current Movie In VCR: nothing. i've moved onto DVD. currently watching "felicity: season four", disc one.

Current Refreshment: nada.

Current Worry: family, job, future...pretty much everything.

Current Crush: my michael.

i feel compelled to write at the moment, but i really have no idea what to say. i just feel pulled toward it because it has always been my way of dealing with things (both good and bad) in the past. i guess seeing words, concrete and hard on a screen or on a piece of paper, makes things more real...and therefore easier to deal with.

things are bad around here; it would be foolish to expect otherwise. this weekend was spent balancing my time between home and mike's place in an attempt to help my family and still maintain my sanity. the worst thing is trying to console my mother. she's just so down on herself...in mourning over the death of a relationship. my parents would have been married for 29 years next month. she asked me today what she's supposed to say to people when they ask her how long they had been together. because they've known each other for 31 years...and were almost married for 29.

i've realized the trick of coping with this for me is staying strong for my family so that they have someone to come to when necessary. the best way for me to do this is to have other places to go to recharge, so when i return home i am stronger and thinking more clearly. i can't sit around here for too long without going out or doing something mindless like watching t.v., because i'll go insane.

mike has been incredible. he's so gentle with me, saying just what i need to hear and knowing precisely when i need attention and care. i honestly don't know what i'd do without him. he represents comfort and consistency and pure love to me these days and he's my refuge. thank you, babe.

for the first time in my life, i'm parenting my parents. the roles have been reversed and i'm helping to lead them into a future that is unknown for all of us. i feel good when i know i've made progress, like today. i came home from work (which is frustrating me to no end) and talked to my mom for 2 hours and was amazed at the words that came out of my mouth. i mean, i really said some insightful and wise things, that i know she needed to hear. i don't know how i do it sometimes, because i'm so scared and sad myself, i'm surprised i'm not completely inarticulate. anyway, i think i'm starting to get a grasp on my role now, what i'm needed for, and how i need to help. i just need to get my mom on a path to healing, and then we can tackle the practical changes...

i feel like i'm growing up so fast and going through so much. time ticks on and i'm taking it literally minute by minute. i just want to sleep and distract myself. i look in the mirror now and i don't see the same person. i feel older. i'm doing and saying things i didn't think i'd ever be doing or saying.

what i need to work on is not feeling guilty when i laugh or leave the house for long periods of time. i'm at the point now where i feel i need to check in if i'm gone too long (as if something would have changed). i just need to accept that while this is a reality, i still have a great deal to look forward to and i will be able to have fun again without thinking i'm betraying the grieving process.

thanks for reading this, if you did. i really hope people don't just stop reading my blog because the entries are so depressing right now. i don't really care i guess, but i feel better when i let it out...

there's no easy way to say this, so i'm just going to. my parents are getting divorced. this was something that was decided yesterday and since then, things have been really, really hard around here. i can't even believe i'm typing this. i don't know what i'm going to do, or how i'm going to help them through this...but i will have to somehow.

so, keep in mind that i'm in a rough patch right now. i probably won't be posting as frequently...or maybe i'll post more, who knows. everything is so up in the air right now and i'm just so sad. i can't predict anything in the future or make any plans because i need to be here for all that's to come. there's just so much to think about and i have so many questions.

rest assured though, i'll be fine. i just want my parents to be happy again and for us all to move on from this.

this questionnaire arrived just in time. i was in the mood for something like this. thanks, mackenzie.

1. Your name spelled backwards.
nire. wow, it's actually pronounceable.

2. Where were your parents born?
both born and raised in baltimore, md.

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
probably pics from my new digital camera. i'm having fun playing around with that.

4. What's your favorite restaurant?
i really love peerce's plantation. i guess it holds a lot of memories for me since i've had a few significant dinners there and it's just so sophisticated and elegant.

5. Last time you swam in a pool?
swam in a pool? do you mean flap around and splash and attempt to keep my body above water? that kind of swimming? 'cause if that's what you mean then i do that pretty much every summer.

6. Have you ever been in a school play?
no. but i've attended plenty of them and been involved, somehow, in the production of several. one focus of my major in college was theater. all my friends were either actors or techies. you do the math.

7. How many kids do you want?
i've always said 4, because i love big happy families and i know i will make an excellent mother. but of course i realize i have to be realistic about it. it all depends on my circumstances at that time in my life and what my husband and i can afford.

8. Type of music you dislike most?
anything that falls into the super-twangy country category. oh, and jimmy buffet.

9. Are you registered to vote?
yes i am.

10. Do you have a car?
absolutely. and it's a beaut!

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
no. but i have ridden on a motorcyle, if just for a brief moment. does that count?

12. Ever prank call anybody?
no. but i've always wanted to...

13. Ever get a parking ticket?
no. thankfully.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
hello! been there, done that on the plane diving. bungee jumping, however...not so much.

15. Furthest place you ever traveled?
hawaii. it was the furthest and the best, by far.

16. Do you have a garden?
no. should i?

17. What's the size of your bed?
it's a twin. which sucks because i like room to roll around. ;)

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
i *think* so. hrm.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night?
shower...anytime that i can fit it in. i used to be exclusively a morning/shower person, but that's changed since i get up so early in the morning. i ain't takin' a shower at 4am. fuck that.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past 4 months?
oh, i hate these type of questions 'cause i watch movies all the time and i can never decide what i like best. i'll go with "city of angels"...because i hadn't seen it until recently and it really affected me emotionally.

21. What's the next movie you want to see?
"the house of d" looks really interesting...

22. Chips or popcorn?
either or both.

23. Have you ever broken any hearts?
i guess i have, unintentionally. in some sick way, i'd like to think at some point in my life, someone has been that infatuated with me. ;)

24. Premarital sex?
that's completely a personal decision. that being said, don't push your morals on people.

25. Are you a good cook?
i think i have the potential to be. right now, i'm just a good baker.

26. Orange or Apple juice?
both. but only if the orange juice is pulp-free.

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you go to?
mike and i went out to dinner with my parents last saturday. we went to KOBE, the japenese steak house, in white marsh. fun times.

28. Favorite type of drink?
kaluhua and cremes & starbucks white mochas.

29. Best thing "EVER" in the world?
why are there quotation marks around the word EVER? i'm confused. anyway...i'd have to say being in love...and not the unrequited kind. come on, you know it's true.

30. Have you ever broken a bone?
nope. i rule.

31. Have you ever won a trophy?
not a trophy, per se. but i've won plenty of awards/plaques! what, is that not good enough?

32. What is your favorite board game?
i love balderdash, despite the fact that no one will play it with me. it's one of those games that i've owned for years but never gets pulled out on game night. what's wrong with you people?

33. What is your dream car?
i don't really sit around and think about what i wish i was driving all that often, but i really like the hyundai santa fe. whatever.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
no, can't say that i have. but i love those infomercials anyway!

35. Coke or Pepsi?
does it matter?

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
i guess i still do. black and white are my colors during the week. oh, and don't forget about the snazzy green apron.

37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
sadly, i think it was bottled frappucino. those damn things!

38. Who are you going to marry?
do i look like a fortune teller or a psychic? c'mon now.

39. Who would you like to meet?
alanis morissette. really, really badly. oh, there are so many other people too...namely matthew mcconoughey so i can drool on his shoes.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
love, no. lust, yes...'cause who hasn't been there. but honestly, i think you can feel a strong connection to someone immediately, but i don't think that's necessary love.

41. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite/same sex?
ooooh for men, i like hands and shoulders. always have, always will. there's something about strong, manly hands and a well-toned shoulder/back region that turns me on. i blame patrick swazey in "dirty dancing" for my weird fetish.

as for women, i think that athletic, strong, and toned bodies are the prettiest. and i like women who embrace their curves. think eva mendes or salma hayak.

42. Where would you go for a romantic evening?
to the beach for a walk, then out to eat at a semi-formal restaurant, then back to a nice hotel room with a fireplace, hottub, and a big screen tv. sounds kinda familiar...

43. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
i don't know. a lot.

44. Last song stuck in your head?
i can't think of anything specific. but i guarantee it was something completely stupid. that happens to me at work all the time.

45. Any pets?
nope. but i want a puppy. very badly.

46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
mike and i were just talking about this! i'd have to say motivational speaker matt foley played by the great chris farley. he lives IN A VAN, DOWN BY THE RIVER!

47. What is one thing you would like to learn to do?
stop worrying.

48. What do you do when you are bored?
surf the web, check my email obsessively, write in my blog, channel surf, think too much.

49. What is one thing you would want someone to appreciate about you?
my enthusiasm and passion for the simplest things in life.

50. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
my tough skin and my ability to express myself honestly.

now that i have my very own mini DVD player (courtesy of my awesome boyfriend), i've been going on somewhat of a movie buying bender. best buy has become my new best friend, with its assortment of $5.99 DVDs. i bought "buffy the vampire slayer" (the movie, not the stupid show) and the special collector's edition of "forrest gump" last week. then, this past weekend, we went back and i bought "meet joe black", "saved", and "keeping the faith". i am oh-so-excited by this because my DVD collection is slowly but surely growing. the only thing that bothers me is that i have a bunch of VHS movies that i want to replace with DVD copies, but i can't justify re-buying them when i have all these other movies i want. oh, and i'm very excited about tomorrow because the fourth and final season of "felicity" is out. it's a bittersweet thing for me because after this, i won't have any more episodes to watch. oh how i love that show. i think i'm going to have to get hooked on another tv drama series once i'm done.