yes, i'm still alive. suffice it to say, a lot has been going on. i don't even know where to begin, or if i even want to. i'll just start from here, and go.

changes are coming. big ones, small ones, all within the near future. mike and i are in that nice stage of engagement where nothing is set in stone yet, and we're just sitting around talking about how wonderful our wedding will be. everything's possible now and that's a beautiful thing. we've created a preliminary guest list and music compilation and we'll start looking at reception sites soon. we know what we want and what we don't and i guess that's a start. in any case, we're ecstatic...not just about the big party but about spending our lives together. some days i wonder if all this has really sunk in with me yet...

we're talking about me moving in the apartment sometime in the beginning of next year. of course, while this will be an adjustment for us both, it's more of big deal for me since i've never lived away from home. i'm coming to the realization that a lot will change. i'm ready for it but anxious about it. we'll be looking for a house hopefully in the spring i think, and that's when things will really be exciting. i really can't wait to get a house. the thought of a blank, empty space to fill is kind of overwhelming but it's something i've dreamed of for a while.

healthwise, eh...i've been better. my stomach has somewhat normalized now that i'm on medication and it's to the point where i can pretty much predict when i won't feel well. i saw a specialist on monday and had an upper GI test on wednesday. drank lots of barium which turned my poop white...fun times. in all honesty, it was a pretty exhausting test lasting 3 hours and full of endless waiting and laying on a cold, hard x-ray table. i'm not sure yet exactly what's wrong with me, but apparently i'm on the right track to figuring that out. this illness or whatever you want to call it has pretty much ruled my life for the last few months and it has really depressed me. i've lost some weight and been miserable trying to do ordinary things like eat--always anticipating stomach pain. i know that i haven't been myself lately, haven't wanted to post on here, because when not at work or with mike, i've just been sleeping or trying to get comfortable. i pray for light at the end of the tunnel.

after some prodding and gentle encouragement from my mother, i've decided to start seeing a therapist. my first appointment was today and i'm really happy about it. things in my life have been proceeding at such a rapid pace lately and i just need an outlet. i'm still grieving very much over my parents' separation, something i thought i was handling but that eventually caught up with me. i have a lot going on with work, moving out, planning a wedding and a life with mike...and so it just seemed like the right time to do this. i'm so tightly wound, so anxious, so worried about everything and i need to change my outlook. i can't tell you how excited i am about finding a way to help myself and gaining some perspective. i need to de-stress so that i can handle all that is to come. for a while now, i've felt so inactive, like things have been happening to me without having a say in them. i've been overwhelmed by it all and kind of stuck in a bad, self-defeating mindset. but now it feels like i can get some control back and make things happen on my own terms. so that's good.

i can't believe how much has happened, what course my life has taken in the last month. the things i'm thinking about now are real big life decisions and i think i've just been so busy analyzing them, i haven't wanted to write about them. everything is coming up, it's all pending and rolling on toward the future. i finally feel like i've crossed that imaginary but agonizing line i've talked about...the one between my childhood and adult life.

thinking about it all just makes me sleepy.