i think it's really interesting how self-image can change on a whim. there are days when i am rather satisfied with my appearance, leading me to hold my head up a bit higher and walk with a certain sense of self-assurance. other days, i feel like my clothes just don't fit the way i want them to; my body is squeezed into a poorly wrapped package. i am ill at ease, not myself. i think everyone is critiquing me and, worst of all, i am hyper-aware of my body in the given environment.

i really don't enjoy this awkward feeling. i find it quite nerve-racking and it makes me wonder if i'm simply being over-critical, or if i actually do look as unsightly as i feel. i know that i'm considered an 'attractive' person, but i'm not lying when i say that there are some days i feel just average.

as someone who prides herself in "looking nice" all the time, i always strive to keep things in perspective---to never believe that any of that really matters. still, in a world where beautiful people reign, it's difficult not to feel inadequate. the constant comparisons. the overanalysis of mundane details like hairstyles and shoelaces. i hate getting caught up in it because to reduce my SELF to parts, to essentially chop my body up into good and bad regions, is the epitome of self-deprecation. it isn't love, or even just plain old acceptance. it's mean and hurtful and something that i need to stop doing to myself.

the body is a beautiful machine. why must we poke, prod, and tinker with it until we shred its uniqueness to bits?

oh, to not care about the surface of things. to not even be able to see it. to be blind to judgement and body dismorphia. to feel great in my skin all of the time, instead of most of the time. to not beat myself up if i don't exercise as much as i should. what is 'should' anyway? to not place these self-imposed expectations upon my already burdened shoulders...and not feel self-imposed guilt when i don't live up to them.

we arrived home from our trip to maine last night at 10pm. we went up to enjoy thanksgiving dinner with katie and justin, as well as to meet their newborn daughter, elaina. although the visit was short and the drive was way too long, it was worth it because it gave mike and me the chance to spend some quality time with laney. mike, as her godfather, especially enjoyed the experience and i think it was quite difficult for him to leave. the two bonded really quickly and watching it was rather sweet from my end.

now, of course, i want a baby even more than i did before. big surprise there.

although i must admit, staying with them for a couple days and seeing just how much time is devoted to taking care of the baby and how exhausted you become, i'm still willing to wait a year or two. though very excited for motherhood and the amazing joy that comes with it, i still have so much freedom left that i'm not quite ready to give up. i know i won't get these years back--time spent alone with mike, being able to do anything on a whim with few limitations. so i plan on enjoying that...but whining all the way about how much i really really want a child of my own. basically it's a matter of my head keeping my heart in check for a little while longer. then i'll go totally nuts with the baby talk.

as you may know, when i love something, i really love it. there are very few things i feel mediocre about. take pie, for instance. it is a rather common dessert, but to me it's worth eating for every meal if available. in fact, i had a big slice of pumpkin this morning for breakfast...but i digress. what i'm trying to say is that i allow the things that i love most to become a part of me, to the point where i surround myself with them until i am an absolute expert on the subject and can talk your ear off about it. i immerse myself in what i love because i believe very strongly that those things identify and reflect who i am. even something as simple as pie. feeling passionate about something, no matter how seemingly insignificant, says a great deal about the person loving it.

anywayyyyyy...now that i'm completely side-tracked...

i'm in love with a band by the name of death cab for cutie. i know they aren't entirely new to most of you and that i am often the last person to discover greatness, but i just had to write about this. i purchased their new album plans this week and it has been on constant rotation for the last few days. i am astounded (yes, ASTOUNDED) at the lyrical content and level of cohesiveness. listening to it takes me to an entirely different place and allows me the freedom of thinking about who i love most on this earth and the inevitability of losing them one day. and the fact that DCFC are ardent supporters of independant film and use all previously unheard of directors for their videos makes me even crazier for them. i may be preaching to dead air, and you all may just chalk this up to another one of my random obsessions, but i'm trying anyway.

go buy the album. you will be moved.

so of course, now that i am completely hooked, i am researching the band and buying anything i can get my hands on. it feels so great to have found a band that i genuinely want to explore again. i absolutely thrive on great music.