it's been hard, but i need to stop focusing on things i can't change.
it's been hard, but i need to understand that not everyone will agree with me.
it's been hard, but i need to come to terms with my ambivalence, and not let it confuse me.
it's been hard, but i need to accept that i cannot forget what you did.
it's been hard, but i need to redirect my energy into loving those who i still have.
it's been hard but i need to stop judging whatever you decide for yourself because it is not my decision to make.
it's been hard, but i need to see you clearly, as you are now in front of me, instead of dwelling on how you used to be.
it's been hard, but i need to stop caring as much.
it's been hard, but i need to move on.

so, this monday was the 8 week mark. when you put it in terms of weeks, it seems more soon, doesn't it? maybe it's me, but time is FLYING and it's all rather exciting. people keep asking me if i'm stressing out or freaking out or flipping out yet and they look shocked when i tell them no. for whatever reason, this whole wedding planning thing hasn't been too difficult for me. in fact, it's been rather enjoyable and i think i will miss thinking about it when it's over. i've really liked working on such a complete project and pulling all the details together. it's not often that i get to coordinate such an event. actually, i plan on never doing it again.

we have such terrific families. i know that is the main reason this whole process has been so tolerable. mike and i have done everything ourselves with no outside opinions or imposing suggestions thrust upon us. in fact, there's really been nothing to consult anyone about. we envision the day being a certain way and we are fortunate enough to have family that supports and encourages any decisions we make. plus, i'm a pretty decisive and organized person and i know what i like. that helps.

i'm trying really hard to enjoy this lead-up time, to bask in the climb up, in the anticipation of the day. as you know, i'm big on anticipation, often believing it is better than the actual thing you've waited for. weddings are such great conversation starters, such fodder for fun discussions. i will miss talking about what i'm planning on doing once everyone has seen how it turned out.

i'm hearing good things about the invitations, which makes me super happy because i searched so long to find them. both emily and heather pointed out that they reflect my personality, which made me smile because i think they do too. i like that they know me well enough to say something like that. my goal is to make the reception tables match the invitations in color and style, kind of blow them up three-dimensionally. all of this laborious thought over the tables and i bet most people won't even really notice the minute details. (a couple of you will though, i'm sure.)

i'm currently reading "the art of happiness", by the dalai lama. in it, the buddist monk discusses how we too often focus on what is missing or what is wrong in our lives, rather than examining and reveling in what we do have and what makes us content. i have caught myself on several occasions searching for the things that could go wrong on june 2nd, harping on reasons why i'm slightly upset or disappointed about certain things. i have started making a conscious effort to really examine what i have to look forward to, which details really matter, and the overall meaning of the day to me. things won't be perfect; i'm expecting something to happen that i wasn't hoping for, but ultimately, i need to be ok with that. it's reaching the point where i have done all i can do and now it's time to sit back and take it all in. it's just a day, i know that. but i figure i'll go all out one day in my life and make a real effort of meeting my own expectations. the list of pros far outweighs the cons and that is what i will remind myself in the coming weeks.